ok spore is fun as fuck. i think i may start another civilization just for fun. the galactic stage does give me some anxiety because of my fear of the infinity of space, but honestly i think it's helping me work through my issues.
i wanted to tell you all that i am a slave for vanessa hudgens song "sneakernight"
i like that bitch because she's a sexual being and a whore and she don't give a shit
disney be damned!
i don't like miley because her smile is too big and she should just embrace her whorishness. she is a hot young babe who wants to bone her older boyfriend and take sexy pictures. hell, i was doing wayyy worse at fifteen! just beeeeee it milehhh
whoa the girl on this "parental control" looks like brunette steve. that is soo weird.
i had a dream last night where i was desperate about shit and god it was unattractive. i strive to give less than half a shit.
i do love the gay dude who was like "i want someone just like my stepdad, but gay". his stepdad was quite a silver fox. i am a fan of the silver fox, though that won't end up on my facebook like "pale, thin boys with longish wavy brown hair"
this entry was written last night.

yo ho ho and a bottle of 1987 champagne

ok there are a lot of things i need to write about
the first thing is this clip from the soup of two little boys mooing on the bonnie hunt showi searched google for this shit and it asks me "did you mean little boys mooning?"
for once, the answer was no
i just tried this line out on my friends and they didn't instantly react.
we're all kinda high and drunk and watching the soup
anyway the boys moo at each other, slowly locking eyes and beginning a slow smile, and i believe we witnessed the moment that the pair of them fell in love.
anyway apparently this clip is not online yet
so i'm obviously down in the va
we watched i love money
then curb your enthusiasm, one of my favorite episodes, "the smoking jacket"
ok i'm feeling inspired to be more jewish and i am craving charoset and fucking LATKES!
i'm like the jewish dlisted
i wish
anyway this is the hilarious curb where rob corddry plays the sex offender who comes to seder, which is part of the passover desire
it is emily's 21st in just a bit, and we will make it fun!
ok i need to end this post because i am too goooooooood to do otherwise

when i'm a big girl!

when i grow up i want to be like chris meloni
i want to be on some show like law and order:svu where i don't have to think so much, i just have to be badass, and do fun comedy and low-budget movies like wet hot american summer and harold and kumar.
love you christopha!
samantha bee sings "send in the cash" to the tune of... well obviously, "send in the clowns"
o god rob riggle, and john oliver joining in with other streisand tunes. this was fucking hilarious.
wyatt cenac doing lil wayne. it was all a win. time for another tequila shot!
anyway so obviously it was tv date night with me and my friend morgan, which means AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL and PROJECT RUNWAY!
my favorite models on antm continued to pwn, the kinda gothy girl, elina, got wild red curls, and isis (the tranny) got long flowing locks. britney, very pretty but not too interesting, was the one to leave.
on project runway they had to design an outfit for recent college grads, approved of by their moms. my personal favorite was the mini-kenley (she even wore a feather hairclip and laughed at another contestants expense with the divine miss k), but i'm glad jerrel won, his outfit and the makeover for his cute little lesbian androgyne were beautiful. i think the final three should be kenley, jerrel and leanne
korto is boring, she does the same shit over and over again and her outfit this week was totally lame and unflattering. suede is good but not winner material, plus he speaks in third person. and, thank the powers that be that joe went home
ooo charlize theron is on the daily show and she is one good interview
ok, this blindness movie could actually be cool.
they released a new commercial for it and it looks pretty hot
ok i did a late night makeup and photo shoot, here's the best one

brit!

awww i just saw brit accept some vmas and she looked FIERCE!
fuck yeah!
looking hot is the best revenge and she looks lovely
leave britney ALONE because she looks like a million bucks
and media, stop portraying borderline personality as serious craziness, we can handle our shit if we realize our problems
LOVE YOU OTHER BORDERLINE SUFFERERS!
so here is the lovely spears:

tobes does sarah palin

here it is, motherfuckers

toby and jacob go to a big drunk concert

so as the title suggests my good friend jacob and i went to the soco music experience concert this weekend
we got there in the afternoon, i was afraid he wasn't going to be able to get in due to his fake id
it was actually super easy, and we soon decided we needed to get much more drunk for this experience
we got some vodka at the store (of course i got a hard time because my id has me pissed off as shit after 24 hours awake and 3 at the dmv... and o yeah, with long blonde hair) and drank it very quick in the parking lot
then they sold us beer at the show for like $5 a cup, which i of course decided to steal from people we didn't know because yeah right, we are college/high school students with no fucking money and theft is hilarious when it happens to people you don't know
there was a fun ska band, one band who we met the lead singer of (i think he thought we both were cute. i understand) and then finally justice came on
(i had to explain to my friend adam who the jonas brothers were today, and i told him that justice looked like him with more facial hair, and the other looked like the sexy jonas brother. apparently morgan and i have different opinions on who the sexy jonas brother is. i think it's the older one who's dating taylor swift, and morgan thinks it's nick jonas, who is a teenager. who's the sex criminal now???)
they were a ton of fun and we danced like crazy.
we also lost my car key.
so jacob and i were the last people to leave the concert at around 1:30 am. triple a drove us home finally and dropped my car outside. this was fucking horrible though. have you ever lost your keys two hours from home? better hope you're a aaa advance member! they will tow your ass 100 miles!
anyway it's a tuesday, no class til 3 pm tomorrow.
hey, apparently the one i like is JOE JONAS. and perez likes him too. ok he's 19 so he is a teenager but MORGAN LIKES THE YOUNGER ONE!
ahhh tuesday night margaritas during 90210. what a fun time.
if i cared about my audience i'd stop now...
but i don't!
ok my presence was just requested in virginia.
i have to do it folks!
it's emily's 21st birthday!!!
i can give up some weekend at vassar for natalie and emily, and i shall.

glasses and zuckerman

megan fox, the hottest bitch alive, used to be in love with a hot badass stripper!
i feel bored. it means it's an andrea zuckerman kinda day!

which means i found glasses with no lenses and accidentally fooled almost all my main hoes (morgan, claire, marco, adam) into thinking i wore them for real. they even complimented me!
i think the glasses are a winner.
anyway we watched the new 90210 and found out dylan is kelly's baby daddy. i didn't like that because i ship for brenda and dylan. i hate bitches who steal their friends boyfriends. die kelly taylor! brenda looks sooooo much better anyway, kelly is fattish and has bad hair. looooook i put on makeup!

gossip cougars

ok so come on people
vanessa, the supposed-to-be punky girl, is totally going to bone dan's dad!
and i love blair and chuck can't wait for them to bone again.
ooo a blackout.
i'm really torn about the older ho who nate is boning
she's kind of a creep but also, ya know
ok serena and dan are not done for good
they're just immature babies
gross dan and vanessa even talking makes me nauseous
ok she is a bitch. the cougar. but she's still fierce
how long will they keep me watching for a hope of a blair and chuck (they remind me of a couple i used to know) bone?
who can say.
the point is OLD SERENA is back next week and i am ready.

DOMINION

i'm listening to "dominion" by sisters of mercy playing at an underground club in the original 90210. made my day. love that gothic rock.

I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE

i am drunk, back at home, and watching my favorite show, real time with bill maher
tim kaine, the democratic governor of virginia is the live video feed guest, and damn, is he ever a good guest
new rule: stop saying we can't impeach george bush, we still have two months!
and plenty others
"i think democrats underestimate her at their peril"
that shit was said by a wise npr commentator, who also happens to be a black woman (michel martin) on the show about SARAH PALIN
BE VERY AWARE, SARAH PALIN IS DANGEROUS EVEN THOUGH I LOVE HER
i am disgusted that mccain is taking almost half the country in these polls
WAKE UP!
i want you to get up now!
I'M as MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE this ANYMORE!

network is one of my favorite movies. watch it.

ONE DAY MORE

19 | Hilarious Stuff at JibJab | Funny Satire at JibJab

THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!
ONE DAY MORE FROM LES MIS AT THE BARACK CAMPAIGN HQ.
(thanks to dan savage)

planned parenthood knows how to fuck mccain

planned parenthood attacks mccain and hits the nail on the head about the whole "obama wants to sex up our kids" bullshit

a heartfelt tribute

See more Gina Gershon videos at Funny or Die

hell yes! gina gershon, star of such classic cinema as my favorite mess of a movie, SHOWGIRLS!!! and also the sexy hasidic jewish washerwoman on curb your enthusiasm takes on the role of a lifetime, SARAH PALIN!

RAPTUROUS RASPUTINA!

so apparently i was living under a rock and missed a new rasputina album that came out about a year ago. i downloaded it all from this kind person's blog. DO IT! IT FUCKING RULES! melora creager, cellist and amazing singer/songwriter, chooses to focus on current events rather than her usual historic topics, and it works SO FUCKING HARD!
YAY.
if you don't get it, when you get to the page with just the mp3 file playing, open up the "file" menu on your mac (i don't know if this works on pcs because, honestly, what does?) and choose "save page as" and then DO IT. simply open in your itunes and you are fucking set.

a woman(?) after my own heart

palin opinions are the theme for the day. i'll have you all know that i put the palin newsweek cover in one of the nine windows on my front door, adding my hot and messy love to the following:
the best cover us weekly has ever done about britney spears

the stolen dvd insert from casino, a true american masterpiecesome sandman postcards, most of which are part of the big collage. o, you don't know from the big collage? almost my entire house is covered with it. here's part of one wall:

back to the door.

this lovely watercolor is punctuated by the text at the bottom: "Sorry for not having written you for such a long time. Stay metal!"

an important question to ask yourself.

so finally, here's the newsweek cover!

bitchezzzz

matt damon dumps on palin

the man is correct. sarah i love you but i'd love you more if you got in a snowmobiling accident and lost all motor function!
by the way i'm auditioning for brundibar, the operetta, at dutchess tonight. wish me a broken leg.

big gay crush of the day AND OTHER SHIT

my big gay crush of the day is the hot piece who plays "silver" on the new 90210. her eyes are hypnotizing me. i could never have a crush on shenae because she is my darceadoo on degrassi and she's a hot MESS! i'm glad of her success, but jessica stroup is the important one. i like the drug addict popular girl with the bangs, but jessica is the one i want to love me longtime!

UPDATE: she is also on the beginning of trueblood, the AMAZING new vampire show from hbo. morgan and i watched the first episode. i love anna paquin, her saucy black friend, her murderous brother, her pice old granny, and of course the dead sexy vamp! A+ motherfuckers!
and yeah, HBO is back, with new episodes of my favorite piece of self-indulgent liberal crap, REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER! YES!

ooo thank heaven!

DAMN
i just finished heavenly creatures, and i can safely say that it is now my second favorite movie, unseating terror firmer from its 7 year stranglehold on number two, just beat out by natural born killers of course (that will NEVER change)
interesting enough, as the true story of natural born killers is one of my favorite murder narratives (all of my favorite movies involve murder: nbk, this one, terror firmer, american psycho, chinatown, unforgiven, etc), and so is the true story of pauline parker and juliet hulme, upon which this film was based.
it was fucking amazing
kate winslet and melanie lynskey (my second favorite character on two and a half men) are perfectly charming and terrifying as a couple of young, infirm girls experiencing their first love, and creating a fantasy world to which they almost entirely retreat
if you know anything about the story, or if you kind of understood the first scene, you know that the lovely young ladies off melanie's mom when she is perceived as the one to blame for the girls' impending separation. the murder scene was literally the most chilling i have ever seen, and the buildup was exquisite
all the diary entries that lynskey narrates with come straight out of pauline parker's actual diaries, giving the film a more personal and terrifying feeling
the scenes with the animated clay figures from pauline and juliet's imaginary land of borovnia are breathtaking. the high drama of the music and the surreal shooting create such a perfect ambiance. this fucking film is perfect.

nightmares!

i had a dream last night that sarah palin declined the nightmare.
fuck that, it was a nightmare!
i also got pretty wastey and saw broken social scene perform outside the ta's at vassar
they have the dumbest name of any band ever but it was still fun
then there was a huge th party and that was fun. unfortunately i lost my phone, but it was fun to see everyone after summer

milk!

this looks fucking great.

the most amazing woman in america

ok, by popular request, here it is

my big gay crush of the week is none other than exquisite vice-presidential nominee, sarah palin!
this hot mess is pretty much the nail in the coffin for good old mccain (like he needs any help that coffin is ready at all times to accept him) and these are the reasons i love her:
bitch looks just like andrea zuckerman, i just want to see her throw herself at jason priestley and his hot beard
she has a little baby with down syndrome (trig) who no one had seen pictures of until she and he were photographed for no less than FOUR celebrity weekly covers this week
everyone thought this baby was actually born to her 17 year old daughter, bristol, until they went public this week with the fact that brissy is pregnant NOW, knocked up by a cute redneck hockey player from her high school. supposedly the kids are to be wed. palin is adamantly against sex education in schools. oops!
she used to be involved with the alaskan independent party, one of the major tenets of which is that alaska should be allowed to secede from the union!
she has zero foreign policy experience and has been to a grand total of three foreign countries
she loves the outdoors because it provides her with her favorite hobbies: hunting, fishing, and snowmobiling
she was mayor of a town with less than 9,000 people before becoming governor of one of the least populated states in the union. she's been governor for a year and a half (and obama is inexperienced?)
it's so charming how all the republican talking heads have established these double standards for her
i must take a shower and shit but you know i will update this shit later
unqualified and out of control! sarah palin, you girl gone wild (and andrea zuckerman clone), you are my big gay crush of the week!

(funny poster stolen with love from perez)

america's next top model!!!

marjorie is my initial favorite, an awkward cutie from france, but i do love the asian girl from harlem, and, of course, isis, the pre-op tranny
she has a penis!
niiiice
there always has to be someone for the other girls to be offensive to
heather, the girl with asbergers, was one of my favorites ever
the first hour was fun and super cheesy, now they're doing a voting themed photo shoot
whitney is such a great covergirl i'm so glad she won even if it was planned
oo elina is good too, pale with dark hair and dark eyes
ew the girls are being rude to isis during her shoot
ooo analeigh is a beauty i like her too
damn isis' photo is fucking fierce! it's creative, i think she should win the shoot
aww ok marjorie won that's fine with me
i watched the new 90210
they didn't follow through with a lot of plot stuff and the music sounded like a nonstop itunes commercial but i liked it and of course i love shenae so cooool

amy amy amy! no no noooooooo

ok i don't believe in weed overdoses, but one of amy's friends spoke out to the press recently about her supposedly having one after smoking for 36 hours straight. ummm, wouldn't it more likely be related to being up for 36 hours straight and ALL THE OTHER DRUGS SHE DOES? fucking dumbass. anyway, as you may or may not know i fucking adore amy's music, her look, her essence. i love amy winehouse, and i'm very afraid she is going to die. this is the distressing stuff:
"The 'friend' shed some light on Crackhouse's crystal meth binges and said that a 36-HOUR pot marathon is what dealt the final blow to her brain. We know many people don't believe there's such a thing as pot overdosing, but UK medics have said Wino WAS likely damaged by a cannabis overdose and that explains her display of symptoms normally associated with schizophrenia.
Her first overdose in August 2007 was reportedly from cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, ketamine and crystal meth. Afterward, she was supposedly advised to see a psychiatrist after "displaying “multiple personality traits” that made her a suicide risk." Overdose number two came in July this year when she supposedly smoked an “inhuman” amount of hash that left her vomiting uncontrollably and hallucinating."

from perez.
AMY: CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND DON'T DIE. wouldn't that just be topper to a two year streak of dying friends and family (the count is eight now i believe).then of course all the other dead artists: george carlin, heath ledger, isaac hayes.
ooo ok i just saw the new preview for this season of desperate housewives (aka despote) it made me happy. just cause i'm upset about amy doesn't mean i'm in a shitty mood, although i spent hours puking this morning. i was pretty drunk when i got to vassar last night, and i then proceeded to lead my team to failure in flipcup, although i was the fastest person to do my initial flip which was how i got to be team captain. i think it was the first time i've ever been team captain of anything hahaha. i had to bounce from the townhouses at 6 am because i was going to puke everywhere. i had to open the car door on the way back and vom on the road, then i puked my way through a little sleep, some csi, and finally came 90210 to marathon on my screen and make my tummy better. in an hour and a half morgan and ilena and i will be watching the gossip girl premiere, so i won't be liveblogging it but you can expect a review and all the spoilers. i'll also be watching the new 90210 premiere tomorrow with a bunch of people, maybe over at vassar. shit i have other plans tomorrow! hmmmmm. anyway, i leave you with a quote from my friend emily about my activities of late:
"You are hilarious and an inspiration to all"