toby likes movies

Law and Order: Special Victims Unit Marathon

2011-05-17T13:32:00.000-07:00

Cheesy line before the opening credits:
SLUTTY WEDDING GUEST: Idrina may be a total bridezilla, but I can't believe she'd kill one of her guests.
BENSON: Maybe he gave her the wrong china pattern...

Bookclub Without Banners!

2011-05-02T18:54:00.000-07:00

If you know me, you know how much I like to obsess over works of film and literature for periods of time. As I finish the four written books and see the HBO adaptation of A Song of Ice and Fire by George R. R. Martin, I decided to reread the series again with my best friend M. She lives halfway across the country, so we've been communicating by text as we read and watching episodes of the show at the same time. My boyfriend A and my discussions of ASOIAF make up at least 30% of our total conversations. As I re-opened my Twitter account to discuss my thoughts and theories on the series (rhymes!) and the television show premiered, I found out more of my friends (a coworker, N in particular) were willing to read the books. High on the fumes of purchasing a Kindle, I have been rereading A Game of Thrones on my e-reader, phone, listening to the recording from audible.com and thumbing though the paperback, having thoughts that need instant immortalization at all times. So! This is the "Book Club Without Banners", where I chronicle the process of reading these books again with my boyfriend and two of my closest friends. Enjoy!

ok, i do like movies but...

2009-11-22T21:56:00.000-08:00

i haven't blogged in a while and i think it's time to start blogging about something more entertaining: the tobystories. so since i'm fairly sure no one reads this anymore, i'm going to be frank

wow

2009-02-17T18:51:00.001-08:00

so i've decided that if i'm going to compulsive about something (and i'm obviously going to be), it can't be drugs, it can't be drinking, it can't be shopping, it can't be theft, it can't be gambling, it can't be sex (only some of these things have been true, for the record). it's going to have to be

WORLD OF WARCRAFT!

i bought myself a game card and bought the wrath of the lich king expansion. i'm pretty sure i'm going to move to a new server, but Pooemelon is once more. honestly, it makes ME happy, and as morgan said, why not?

( i won't let her forget it)

drunken ramblings

2009-02-10T23:52:00.000-08:00

alright kids. it's late. and i'm bored with being lonely. either someone is going to step up (unlikely) or i am going to join some dating website. the only problem with these sites: they require that they specify if you're looking for a lady or dude. why??? aren't all the best people bisexual? aren't MOST people bisexual? very unuseful.

heroes

2009-02-10T00:58:00.001-08:00

i rejoiced in sylar's new sidekick, and the prospect of hiro nakamura (the character, not my dog) regaining his power with the new sword!

rock of love bus musings

2009-02-09T22:09:00.000-08:00

anyone who watches rock of love bus...
all of the new girls were obviously dressed up ugly and can easily dress up rocknroll/slutty. i like jamie because we have the same hair. but don't assume because we like watching dumb bitches on this show that WE the viewers are dumb.

not WOW

2009-02-05T00:09:00.000-08:00

so i was watching the new 90210, and had a little nerdglee when navid, the hot middle eastern filmmaker kid, talked about his obsession with world of warcraft in introducing himself to some ho.
the ho responds something like all he said is cool, as long as she gets to be a "seventh level mage". fucking idiot screenwriters, you could have asked literally ANYONE you know... becoming a LEVEL SEVEN mage in wow takes less than two hours. maybe the ho meant a level SEVENTY mage, but the level cap just raised to 80, so you're behind the times!
obviously i'm just bitching about this because i'm bitter that i can't begin playing again because my wow addiction is worse than any dependency i've faced in my life

2009-02-03T00:32:00.000-08:00

i would do anything to have taken part in OZ
svu is the low rent version, with a milder chris meloni, bd wong, rita moreno, j.k. simmons, and the list goes on
i bought the 6th season, the last season, and it is exquisite. perfect. the best show that has ever existed. and i'm just putting it out there. i love heroes best, but oz is the best.
i can't believe kirk accused ray mukada of molestation! bd wong is gay in real life, but his character on oz is like the most moral pries i've ever encountered in my life. of course he would be fictional.
also a couple of the actors have been on 30 rock, like dean winters, who was funny as shit with tina, but is great on oz, and whose mother starts music and theatre in the prison, including a production of macbeth, and whose brother is retarded as the result of his own negligence. as the whole show is super shakespearean, it is super fierce.
it is the year of the memaw, as dlisted would say.
rita moreno and cloris leachman... cloris on the office was sooooooo good

conan and cave

2009-01-30T21:38:00.001-08:00

i turned on an old episode of conan tonight, from the day after the vp debates (how time flies) and guess who the musical guest is?
NICK CAVE AND THE BAD SEEDS!
it must be fate

things

2009-01-29T15:55:00.000-08:00

some douchebag who created the innovative name "tobynelsonsucks" flamed me on youtube... on three separate videos. if my voice is so awful and i'm so ugly, why did they watch two more videos? and why so anonymous? i'd love to see the clips of your gorgeous self besting me in song! but for now i'll just settle for blocking.
anyway i got the last season of oz, heavenly creatures and delicatessan all on dvd for 55 dollars! barnes and noble (the one on 9, where it should be) has a sale through next week of buy two get the third free for dvds and box sets. o, and blu-ray! the indispensible blu-ray! something deep within my soul tells me that blu-ray will go the way of laserdiscs and zunes before not too long.
that's all less exciting than the fact that i went to a taping of the daily show with my neighbors. we took a train in, a beer spilled in my bag and all my money and my landlord's train pass and my phone got soaked. luckily they all ended up ok. the warmup guy was funny, and jon stewart was so good just answering questions from the audience before the taping started. there was this one guy who was like "why haven't you started shooting in hd yet? you're in 4x3." and stew responds "are you rainman?". the show was good, gwen ifill was good, i didn't get to see larry wilmore because the camera was in front of him, but it was fun. the extended conversation with stephen colbert was also really funny, and it was great to kind of be in live proximity to him. then we went drinking, and i didn't really eat and spent the whole trainride back puking. but it was worth it! and now i am SO OVER WAITING FOR SHIT OUTSIDE AND PUBLIC TRANSIT. the inaug and this wore me out, i'm not leaving poughkeepsie until i absolutely have to, and i'm staying inside. it's cold as shit! it was warmer in antarctica than it was in dc on inauguration day, a guy on npr said so! anyway i'm going to go over to the girls' house bye.

mostly bitching about work

2009-01-16T22:49:00.000-08:00

O MY GOD at least work went by fast
josephine left early so i had both rooms of tables, and i was like "at least i won't be bored, and i'll make mad tips!"
well the tips sucked and so did a lot of the patrons
like half the people brought in outside drinks, which i told them to hide and finish quickly, and inevitably they wouldn't and sofia would get pissed and go tell them off. then they would complain to me, and i'd say "well i told you." and they were like "yeah you did.". so that was less annoying and more just kind of funny
slumdog millionaire (i meant to write a post about it and religulous because i saw them the past two days. anyway it was obviously the best film of the year, it was fucking fantastic. of course the end is unrealistic, it's a story about true love triumphing over all! and of dev patel being like a perfect human being. and the bollywood dance at the end! what a spectacle. it deserved every damn award it got. and who the hell does dev patel look like??? have i just seen him on skins? no, i think he looks like someone i know, specifically his smile.) made me in the mood for indian guys (the random exception to my pale with longish brown hair rule), and then the guy who looks like mohinder suresh came in, but we didn't really talk because i was busy as shit
SHIT I FORGOT ABOUT MY DREAM! this was the dream to end all dreams... i was somewhere where people were mad at me, some kind of camp/college where i was on an adventure, and having to move, and guess who i was hooking up with?
ROBERT DOWNEY JR!
we had to hide from his wife, and i spent a good portion of the dream looking for him, but i don't care. that was the first time i've hooked up with RDJ in dreamland, so hopefully it will enter the realm of things i can make happen when i have lucid dreams (usually when i realize i'm dreaming i have sex with as many women as possible)
anyway, then at work this guy, nicely, was basically like "so! bun in the oven?" and i was like "no i'm not pregnant.". he felt bad and was very nice to me, but the damage was done (i even have lost a few pounds! jesus people are presumptuous! i would NEVER say something like that to someone unless they had a fucking basketball belly... even then i might not). i bitched about it to sofia and she was like "well i told you so put a sweater on". so that was helpful.
the rest of the time was ok until these drunk ass bitches came in, with a cup of alcohol. we made her throw it away (after finishing it obv), but man those girls were so obnoxious. i told them the kitchen was closing, did they have any last orders, and after being drunk and indecisive for like five minutes, they ordered bbq wings. they repeated like 5 times that they wanted bbq wings. BBQ!!!!!!! ok? they even tell sofia. i go back and MAKE SURE manuel (the cook, a truly solid guy, platinum) knows these are BARBECUE WINGS!
i drop off the pizza their boyfriends ordered (which later one of the guy accuses me of taking before he finished), and the less drunk girl goes "i didn't order no pizza!". i let her friends explain. i return with the other guy's pizza and the girl's BARBEQUE WINGS.
the kitchen has been closed and manuel and umberto (the dishwasher, a lazy lech) and i are cleaning up in back. i come back out front and the drunk girl is talking with sofia. "i ordered bbq wings! these are spicy!" my boss is getting pissed, all "can't you listen?" like she does any time anyone messes anything up, to me, and i say "i know it was bbq wings. i told manuel it was bbq wings" and she's like you need to explain it better to him (his first language is spanish, hers is polish. i think his english comprehension is about equal to or better than hers, he's a citizen and she's not), and i said "i know i explained it to him. i came back in to doublecheck he knew it was bbq." the drunk bitch keeps going "it ain't bbq it's spicy. taste it!" neither sofia nor i want to taste it. i go to the back, and say "manuel, remember when i said the wings should be barbeque?" and he said "yeah i made them barbeque" and i said "I KNOW!!! this bitch is just drunk and confused!". which i repeated to sofia as she entered the back room. she was good enough to handle it after that point because it was obvious that i was both pissed, and correct. drunk girl's friends all came up and were like "o well we didn't know it would be spicy. make them normal" which manuel graciously did. i went and sat behind the counter for a bit to cool down, then put some songs on the jukebox. i went over to the rude bitches' corner, and was like "how is it?" and one of the girls was like "it fucking sucks." so i just walked away. when i came back the dude said the thing about his pizza. i just left them alone after that, and i got to leave. they were still there. i fucking hate some patrons.
but the stalkery one who called me like 5 times a day didn't come, which was nice, and when i saw him at the mall (i ran out of the store, because i recognized him from behind. then i put on glasses!), i don't think he saw me.
hahahaha ok that was one long bitch session. maybe i should rename this blog "toby likes to bitch"
i wish the pulled muscle in my shoulder wouldn't hurt so much.
anyway i'm auditioning for THE SOUND OF MUSIC tomorrow, so wish me a broken leg!
and go look at my youtube shit, i have four videos up so far and maybe more by tomorrow. i'll sing my audition song for one before i leave as practice.

2009-01-15T20:39:00.000-08:00

well it's been a raucous couple days as i learn how to use the various video software i've been meaning to master. and i got my first "video response" acceptance! the official venus in furs video has decided that i deserve to be referenced on their page! it's probably no big deal, but i have the most epic headache of my life just now so i'm unwilling to think too hard about anything. hooray!
http://www.youtube.com/user/facewoman

Venus in Furs

2009-01-15T12:32:00.000-08:00

For the third installment in our singalong blog, Hiro and I take on Venus in Furs and it is FIERCE

TOBY AND HIRO'S SINGALONG BLOG

2009-01-13T22:39:00.000-08:00

alright whores and slores! it's time to embrace the joy that is
TOBY AND HIRO'S SINGALONG BLOG!
here's the deal:
watch these fabulous videos of hiro and me on youtube
give me some constructive criticism or a little bit of honest praise
i'll decide from these what songs i'll work on to bring to american idol this summer
if someone decides to link to me, that'll be swell.
COME BRING ME YOUTUBE STARDOM

is it bad that chuy off of chelsea lately reminds me of one of the cooks at work? it's not in a bad way, chuy is funny as shit, but still.

dr. me's singalong blog and another rant about guys

2009-01-13T15:36:00.000-08:00

alright, in honor of the fabulous and amazing dr. horrible's singalong blog, which i just got yesterday. god neil patrick harris is fucking great.
anyway to finish that first sentence (that never happens! me making an incomplete sentence? haha did it again) this bitch is about to become a singalong blog. haha that basically means that i'm going to make videos of myself singing shit for youtube and i want any of you hoes who may occasionally glance at this thing to give me an opinion on which songs are worth working on for my american idol audition this summer. unless it's constructive criticism, haters can suck it, i actually want some feedback. and if someone important notices me sounding and looking fierce on youtube, that'd be pretty cool too. i think the first one is going to be "you know i'm no good" by amy winehouse. dammit see what you made me do! i can't even watch a 30 rock before i go to work, i cut it too close! i'm still sick (the headache is fucking relentless especially) but into work i go, i cannot lose this damn job, i'd have nothing to fucking do! well i am auditioning for some shit but who ever knows if that'll work out. i just found out a good sounding prospect is a community theatre an hour away so all is not ever good here. hopefully that kid i'm trying to avoid won't come into work tonight but with my luck of course he will. man, if i don't return your calls for TWO WEEKS isn't that a good indication that i'm not interested? i guess some people just need you to be fucking rude to them to get it. also, i don't think i'm ever going to allow anyone to come over to my house ever again. i am one lazy bitch and so whenever someone's like "lets go hang out this place" i'm usually like "lets just watch a movie at my house", but if this practice is going to lead even two people to show up at my house unannounced, i think i must never do it again. nothing is more disconcerting than getting some fucking diet pepsi out of your car while you're sick and being ambushed in your driveway by some kid you've been giving the cold shoulder to. and maybe i wouldn't have given him the complete cold shoulder (my ever famous "we're not going to hook up" line is what i mean by a less complete cold shoulder) if he hadn't called me FIVE TIMES A DAY. ok sorry this blog is supposed to be about entertainment, and i have a feeling me bitching about guys is getting less and less entertaining all the time. i just don't want to date anyone who doesn't completely captivate me can't people get that? i'm too young to settle for someone not totally fascinating. sorry douchebags!
also i'm really pissed i was so sick and had to miss seeing EVERYONE for sarah's birthday, AND my mom and my sister. what a lame ass weekend. things aren't going well for the old girl honestly, and i broke a mirror and discovered a drawer i'd puked in on saturday morning. shit i've been ranting so hard i didn't realize it's now time for work. well that was effective i feel somewhat relieved. now time to face the world

bromance

2009-01-12T21:20:00.000-08:00

is bromance supposed to be so gay?
it's fine if it is, i just don't understand.
the intense relationship implied is the least gay thing about
the most i think was the moment when brody is in the shower and sex music plays as he lathers up. his guy friends walk in, supposedly taking him by surprise, but it's clearly awkwardly scripted. he continues to rub soap on his body as he talks about preparing a challenge for his potential bros. it must be seen. or i suppose it should NEVER be seen and if you're not already invested avoid this piece of trash like... well the piece of trash that it is. i still hate the hills and the laguna beach thing and all of that. ugh. maybe i can't watch this. o well, i'm still sick as shit and i'll be heading off to be soon.
o man the dance guy.

liveblogging the golden globes

2009-01-11T13:29:00.000-08:00

so there's a lot of shit about fashion and all that stuff
i miss angelina's gothy punky lesbianish days. i understand that she's grown up and that's nice for her but man she was a badass
here we go: top five movie stoners!
5: mcconoghee in dazed and confused
4: brad on the couch in true romance
3: smokey from friday!
2: sean penn as spicoli in fast times as ridgemont high
1: the big lebowski. it's soooo weird how much old lebowski looks like patrick's dad.

hey, if tom cruise wins for his cameo in tropic thunder i'll puke. i may anyway god dammit i'm so sick. i have to go back to the bathroom literally every 15 minutes. i was considering going to a movie but that's just not going to work out. why is this weed so dry and crappy? it would be a different sick day with better weed. still awful, but easier.

i'm going to make a list of actresses i love and hate for kicks.

LOVE:
madeline kahn
kate hepburn
vivien leigh
kate winslet
cate blanchett
meryl streep
rosario dawson
melanie lynskey
chloe sevigny
tina fey
shirley maclaine
saint angelina
edie falco
amy sedaris
zhang ziyi
judi dench

HATE:
kate hudson
julia roberts
nicole kidman
sandra bullock

omg!!! the reader has kate winslet as a cougar! a hot nazi cougar! if you hadn't realized i can't resist anything involving cougars (my own life included), and when of my big three (kate, cate and meryl) does it up, hell yes, ie. cate in notes on a scandal.

the fellas:

LOVE:
CHRISTOPHER MELONI
robert downey jr.
philip seymour hoffman
marlon brando
jack lemmon
christian bale
edward norton
patrick wilson
samuel l. jackson
clint eastwood
alfred molina
ian mckellan
masi oka
charlie chaplin
tom waits
kyle machlachlan
william h. macy (and the pair of them, fillman h. muffman)
kevin spacey
javier bardem
jake epstein
angus t. jones (for serious.)

HATE:
tom cruise (except tropic thunder)
john travolta
mcconoghee (except tropic thunder)

AMBIVALENT:
leo dicaprio. he plays a seriously flawed character beautifully but bores me to tears as a normal guy. also he needs to work much more closely with his accent coaches because half the time he forgets where he came from.

ok jonathan rhys-meyers is stoned as shit.

NO! ONE OF THE LEADS OF HEROES IS LEAVING! i hope it's hayden hahaha she's so obnoxious. as long as it's not masi oka i'll be fine.

aw the slumdog millionaire people are so charming. if i feel well enough tomorrow i'm definitely going to see it.

ok hello again. i forgot how good spielberg's movies used to be! schindler's list and et and close encounters! indiana jones, private ryan, minority report! and those john williams scores, so soaring and inspiring.
god i love the movies. scorcese in his hipster glasses presenting the cecil b. demille award and everyone crying and applauding. ahhh i love this shit

o my god, i thought it was all rumors about salma hayek and pene cruz being lezzy on each other but lord, did you see the moment they had when salma did her bit about the movie??? beautiful. can they please add me to the picture?

well more happened but apparently i didn't write about it.

liveblogging the rebroadcast of the critics choice awards

2009-01-11T11:25:00.000-08:00

at least i can sit up without being in pain today. i'm watching the critic's choice awards and started missing my little bloglet. so here's the films i'm glad i saw this year, and these are the ones i must see:

SAW: (not the movie)
wall-e
the curious case of benjy button
doubt
tropic thunder
the dark knight
iron man

MUST:
!!!let the right one in!!!
the wrestler
slumdog millionaire
gran turino (though i guess that's technically 2009)
frost/nixon
the reader
revolutionary road
ghost town
milk
vicky christina barcelona
the wackness

dammit! i thought the ones i'd seen would outnumber the ones i hadn't! i mean, if we count the trash i saw this year (sex and the city, the spirit, twilight, indiana jones) then it's a different story

i like how they introduced common as "common", but ludacris is "chris bridges". you do a piece of trash like CRASH, an underground sensation like hustle and flow, and some episodes of law and order svu, you're too good for your rap name. even though after hundreds of years ice t is still ice t, ice cube is still ice cube, and marky mark is still marky mark. at least in my heart. ice t was there for the roast of flavor flav on comedy central, and i think it was greg giraldo who made my favorite joke of the night, "ice t is so old the first thing he bought after he was signed was his freedom"

aww mclovin and katy perry are presenting best composers and song and they're so damn cute. i just fucking love her clothes. ooo hans zimmer and danny elfman up against each other! but of course slumdog millionaire won. this movie better be amazing or i'm going to be really pissed. man these songs are crap. i hope slumdog wins this one because the rest are trash. ok well bruce springsteen won i guess that's ok. if miley cyrus and child-abuser travolta won i would have shat my pants. o wait i did that like 15 minutes ago not on purpose. i hate being sick.

to clarify, i've never liked creepy scientologist travolta, but when his poor son died of a seizure last week, i decided hate was an appropriate emotion. as you know scientology doesn't condone medication to help people with emotional or psychological problems. i'm going to go out on a limb and assume that since travolta chose to treat his mentally handicapped son as though he had no problems, he also did not medicate him for the condition that eventually killed him. some people are sick.

on a lighter note, marisa tomei looks beautiful. how old is she? i genuinely have no idea.

i was so excited for best supporting actor, and the payoff was worth it. heath won! what a tragedy, cut down in his prime.

i love the minglecam, seeing saint angie and her buttboy go over and kiss clint eastwood made my black little heart smile.

ok i'm downloading a pirated let the right one in hooray. luckily for my sick ass it's a good day of tv (golden globes, the exquisite rock of love bus, desperate housewives?)

i think i want to see notorious in spite of myself. obviously morgan won't go with me because there are a few black actresses she arbitrarily dislikes in it :O) but maybe i can find someone else to come

awww amy adams is so damn cute. yay wall-e won best animated film!

sarah silverman was the funniest presenter, obviously. her dress was damn cute. john adams won? i thought that was supposed to have sucked and recount was supposed to have been great? whatevs.

ok anne hathaway's speech was very cute, but angelina's bitchface during it was comedy gold.

i guess i have to see slumdog millionaire.

2008-12-26T22:06:00.000-08:00

so i went and saw three movies in the past three days

twilight: pretty, and pretty damn similar to the book. i was pleased. bella was understated, but i liked her. i mean, come on guys, bella doesn't have much of a personality to begin with, it grows as the books progress. also i realized that none of the other six people in the theatre were fangirls because no one shared my one laugh, at edward's line (obviously in reference to jacob, SPOILER ALERT) about throwing bella to the wolves. obviously rob pattinson was super hot but i thought both jasper and alice were hotter. that's one vampire sandwich i'd love to be the meat in.

the spirit: it was visually arresting but the rest of it found me leaving to go to the bathroom like five times. there are like two plot points, the characters are one dimensional, and scarlett johannson was fucking terrible. and i usually like her.

the curious case of benjamin button: this movie started at 4:25 and i had to leave it at 7 to get to work. i didn't want to because i really liked it, but the damn framing plot with old cate blanchett about to die just reeked of lame. there's some storm coming and her daughter is reading her benjamin's journal or something (as per usual i was about five minutes late) and i just didn't care. after benjamin left the story i bounced (like i said i had to, i don't like missing the end of movies). not like i don't love cate blanchett and she was spectacular in this (i think she's the best actress of her generation. i'd put tilda swinton soon behind and she was a great surprise in this film as well) but it just seemed super out of place. but maybe i missed the establishing shots of it that might have made it seem a better frame for this great story. david fincher, who is great at creepy and weird (se7en, fight club), made a beautiful, touching, longass film that, what else, makes me wish i'd find my next great love.

anyway that's that, the other movies/shows i watched this week were a night at the opera (hilarious, marx brothers classic), raising arizona (superb, coen brothers classic) , three seasons of law and order:svu (i eventually had a dream that i was boning chris meloni and then i had to find him because he disappeared. when i realized that my svu related dreams weren't nightmares, i realized i'd watched too much), metalocalypse season 2 (fucking hilarious obviously), and the first season of twin peaks (i think i already established that i love this. i can't watch it too late at night though after kyle maclachlan's dream with the midget talking backwards in the red room. david lynch throws that fucking midget in everything he does and he terrifies me every time.)

ok now i have to poop

from morgan's wall

2008-12-26T22:03:00.000-08:00

me: NOW hot topic is carrying a harry potter scarf. and i just saw the half-blood prince commercial and it becomes abundantly clear to me that i do not remember the plot of that book whatsoever. when the hell did it come out?i know i read it, because i know who the hbp is, but still...

ilena: it came out the summer before we went to college

me: ok that means i read it at boarding school so there's no way i was high or anything. i totally remember the ending because when i lent the book to the next kid on the list (we only had like three copies among the whole school) i said "get ready to have your heart ripped out!" and ran away crying (keep in mind everyone cried all the time at carlbrook). that's a lot to recall about a book whose plot has entirely escaped me.

chelsea and i are bitches

2008-12-23T23:54:00.000-08:00

o my god! chelsea handler and i were both teased in school by kids barking at us and calling us a dog
i love her. yay.

twin peaks

2008-12-22T19:05:00.000-08:00

twin peaks is happening to me right now
it is exquisite
every shot, every change in the music, every person, every line
i'm just entranced and i can't believe i waited so long
i've been waiting for kyle maclachlan, and he did not disappoint, his entry scene, with the noir-y detective music, with voiceover, driving into town, ahhhhh ok i need to stop typing so i can watch

malia!

2008-12-02T22:26:00.000-08:00

if you're like my friends and myself, on election night you logically traveled from yelling "yay obama!" to "i love you little jill biden!" to "maliaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

"After a visit to the White House, Malia told her dad that she planned to do her homework at the desk in the Lincoln bedroom because “I’m thinking that will inspire big thoughts”."
-perez hilton today

awwww i love the obamas. they're just swell. and malia is the breakout star of a generation. this little bitch is going to be ruling the world you just wait and see.

2008-12-02T21:48:00.000-08:00

ok, my adorable and sweet little niece has been playing with the american girl felicity doll i passed down to her and i'm sad to miss it.
my adorable and sweet little dog shat on my floor today. not while i was out at work, but after i walked him after work. at 12:45 am. god dammit. i realize dogs do this shit but what the fuck he's been peeing inside and maybe it's my fault because the walks have been short because it's fucking freezing, but i am a little more willing to snip him day after tomorrow after this bullshit. pun intended. now i'm going to give him a hug because i've calmed down. he looks all penitent, his ears are flat and he's being a pie. o i just can't help spoiling him he's so cute. he just accidentally knocked down half my blinky lights so he ran back in my room to hide. o well.
by the way, toby the dog (from the stanley steemer commercial where he drags his ass on the ground) is about to win hot slut of the month on dlisted. if you haven't voted for this truly amazing dogperson, DO IT!
anyway i started writing poems on napkins at work. maybe when i start drinking again i'll post a couple. my fave is the one about how poetry blows nuts. anyway time for the daily show and my bong and i to have a special moment.

don't ya wonder

2008-11-25T21:36:00.000-08:00

a question from marco:
"do you think convicted murderers, after they do their time and they're back on the outside, get mailings specifically for people who've killed people?"

food for thought.

dreams

2008-11-24T15:29:00.000-08:00

so i slept for forever last night and had the craziest dreams
i was staying in my house from growing up, which had the same front door as my house now. i'm pretty sure i was hanging out with natalie and becky. i had three dogs, a yorkie, a scottie and hiro. there was a white doggy that i also ended up taking in. i started getting phone calls from stephen colbert because he had decided he was in love with me, but then i found out that it was part of a nationwide prank, somehow he'd done the same thing with hundreds of people. there was a huge war going on in the snow, maybe it had a little to do with reading twilight (finished it today. it grew on me and i'm going to start new moon tonight), and i was helping to hide people, send them out to fight, and to ready the dogs. of course this took place at the resort hotel i keep staying at in my dreams. my little sister gave me yay so good that i could barely walk. there was some element of travel over water, and my car not working well as i headed to new york city, the site of the apocalypse. i may have superpowers. but i have no power to resist world of warcraft comercials. anyway tonight i watched the new heroes and maybe got my friends into it? then we all just read our various twilight books together, it was very fun. now it's time for metalocalypse!

forgetting sarah marshall, tropic thunder on dvd, and potential cheeky theft!

2008-11-23T23:47:00.000-08:00

forgetting sarah marshall was great. charming charming charming, and i hate romantic comedies, but it was more than that, without the requisite cheese at the usual end of a judd apatow film. it made me... miss being in love. like usual. alone at 3 am with a movie and a bong and a beer. even hiro is in the other room, he's had it with this mess. now it's time for the newest addition to my dvd collection: TROPIC THUNDER 2-DISC EXTENDED DIRECTOR'S CUT! did i pay the $35 dollars for this, the dvd release i've been most excited about this year, or did i instead get shut out of best buy by four minutes (the christian assholes who run this country basically want no one to purchase shit on the holy night. i'm a jew i got money to burn let me do with it what i want!/i actually don't have money to burn i made 2 dollars and 50 cents in tips on saturday night but sometimes damn a girl just wants to buy a dvd), and then, leaving my very adorable little dog to await my return in the car, wait for fucking fifteen minutes at the dvd/cd counter of barnes and noble, glaring at the employees, trying to leave the section to purchase the dvd at the normal counter, setting off the little alarm, so staying in the dvd/cd section, waiting, and then removing the plastic packaging with the alarm thingy on it, looking the surveillance camera in the eye, shrugging, and walking out of the store with the dvd in my hand. i may have performed the long series of actions i just outlined, or i may have paid the exorbitant fee of $35 dollars for my prize. it's up to you to decide. while you decide just how responsible or addicted to theft i may be, hiro and i are firing up the old dvd player to showcase that 2008 masterpiece, TROPIC THUNDER!

addendum: damn i forgot how fucking hilarious the fake previews at the beginning of this movie are. this is a freaking comedic masterpiece. i can't wait to see all the best characters, including the whacked out tom cruise in the role of a lifetime, les grossman.

freezin for a reason.

2008-11-22T00:40:00.000-08:00

"you'll be freezin for a reason!"
ok there was just a commercial for hundreds of better people than me (slash dumbasses) who are taking a polar bear dip in the hudson to raise money for special olympics.
they are going to risk hypothermia for the special olympics.
there is nothing else to say.

watching iron man on demand

2008-11-20T14:07:00.000-08:00

so yeah, iron man fucking ruled!
you of course know of my immense love of robert downey jr, and the movie was fun, inspired, and well done aesthetically, technically, and the performances were engaging. of course it was formulaic, it's a comic book movie. i'm about to go out and buy tropic thunder and have myself a little rdj filmfest perhaps. i hope the avengers teaser is part of it... and yes it was. samuel l. jackson as nick fury was fierrrrrrce. it made me almost as happy as seeing rdj at the end of the hulk, even though i made everyone wait for the avengers teaser after that and it didn't happen. i need to actually read the avengers now, haha.
ok nevermind, the seven samurai is free on demand, tropic thunder can wait for another day.
i started twilight yesterday, and it is lovely gothic crap. i wish it was written by caitlin r. kiernan or poppy z brite though, it's much too chaste and not well written, but it's still fun. and the goth kids v. vampires south park made my life last night. the goth kids have long been my favorite characters (besides ike), and all the faux goth rock songs were fucking hilarious, i'll find a clip at some point and link it here.
a week til my birthday!

by the way

2008-11-19T14:38:00.001-08:00

this is hiro nakamura! he is an old man who likes to sleep, pee on tires, hobble along, and curl up on black sheets or blankets.
he is my love and he is all the man i need right now.

i hate grown men.

2008-11-19T14:30:00.000-08:00

new rule:
if you are an adult and get the kiss off from someone half your age, have the respect for yourself not to act like a little baby

if you are trying to bone someone, telling them they have "medication bloat" is not the best path to their loins

if you call me and i don't call or text you back, leave me the fuck alone! trying different tactics in different texts is only sure to PISS ME THE FUCK OFF

and most importantly: just because you think i'm special doesn't mean i give a shit about you!

so guys, listen up, i think i'm forsaking you for the time being. working as a waitress gets me sexually harassed enough that i take care of myself before i go to work, i'm so turned off by bedtime. now tell me where i find the pretty lesbians!

2008-11-11T22:36:00.000-08:00

dan savage on colbert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i literally screamed.

2008-11-10T22:27:00.000-08:00

i'm all alone and i just cracked myself up remembering on south park when the liberals in the town give the boys signs, and they read them outloud. cartman says "bush is a nayzy". (mispronouncing nazi). it is soooo fucking funny

2008-11-10T18:15:00.000-08:00

heeeeerrooooeeesss
i love heroes.
hiro nakamura is taking a spirit walk a year back in time, and it's pretty good. i want to see something that shocks me though. lots of eclipse imagery, which is pretty cool. also at the beginning of the show it didn't even say "heroes" across the eclipse, it says VILLAINS! i love some good villains, but i also love all the central characters, so i have this existential dilemma in enjoying when the plot twists for the worse for people like peter, hiro, suresh, claire, and now sylar
o my god!!! the elle and sylar romance is breaking my fucking heart. i love my sylar so.
and... IF ARTHUR PETRELLI KILLS HIRO NAKAMURA I WILL STOP WATCHING.
well maybe for like a week... and where was parkman? heroes without parkman is almost like two and a half men without jake... or rose!

nice pice puppies and sweeney todd

2008-11-08T17:17:00.000-08:00

it's saturday, and it's movie day for me.
i just watched mommie dearest, which was splendid. faye dunaway, possibly my favorite actress besides kate hepburn and madeline kahn, was just breathtaking. i think joan crawford had borderline personality disorder too, i can relate to the nighttime freak outs.
now i'm watching sweeney todd, obviously a joy to sing along to at home rather than being scared to at the theatre. what an inspired and total vision. that's what always charms me about tim burton films, the totality of his vision and the world he creates for the film and characters to exist in. depp and bonham carter always excel at whatever role they're put in, and work magically together. alan rickman's performance in nigh perfect, and sacha baron cohen's cameo is hilarious and wonderful. i could have dealt with better voices, but the performances of the leads were good enough and the singing fine enough to make it work.
finally, i am getting a dog this week! these are the adorable doggies coming to visit me on tuesday:
dipper and reece, the sweet little twins (the boy used to be in a doggie wheelchair but now is ok without stairs)and freddie!
which ones will i fall for? we shall see!

doggie!

2008-11-06T19:44:00.000-08:00

i am getting a doggie!
what should i name him/her?
i'm thinking either toby or god.
what do YOU think?
my mommy and i are picking the doggie up next week
i more than have earned the doggie coming home with me next week

vote for lando

2008-11-04T11:31:00.000-08:00

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

finally, a candidate we can all get behind,
LANDO CALRISSIAN VS. EMPEROR PALPATINE.
comedy gold, enjoy
and VOTE, SLORES!

2008-11-02T17:11:00.000-08:00

i'm kinda drunk alone at home watching natural born killers. it is my favorite movie, which should be clear to any person who has ever met me, but man it makes me wish i was in love. i tell a million people a day "i'm not dating anyone but i don't want to, i'm just hanging out with my friends". it's absolutely true, but sometimes i just am ready for my next big love affair. i'll probably delete this entry in the sobriety of monday but whatever. anyway halloween was super fun. i began the night as joe jonas, complete with tamborine, but soon morphed into the costume me wanted, harry potter!

hey i just thought about the fact that natural born killers is my favorite romantic comedy (hAHAHAH!) but even though i adore the romance at the heart of the story, it was also the movie that made me realize i was obsessed with robert downey jr. life is soooo mysterious!
by the way, i'm secretly suspicious that i am watching an edited version of NBK because it seems to be missing a few "fucks"

anything can happen on halloween

2008-11-01T11:53:00.000-07:00

happy halloween whores and slores!

lots of latenight shit

2008-10-25T01:00:00.001-07:00

ok well obviously this was high-larious.
man, don't tell the friend who grew it, but the homegrown shit i just bought is just not that good.
the nameless fella is rather full of himself, in a lovely way (he is like my best friend), and so he thinks his stuff is much better than it is. i wish i knew more normal drug dealers. being friends with them is nice, but also soooo annoying.
anyway, the funny shit is the thursday night snl they've created. will ferrell as bush (god i hope he stops making the movies he's making) and tina fey as palin
haha i like the boondocks.
nigga moments, this is priceless. the best real life example i have is when that guy touched morgan's ass at that party and morgan freaked out "my cousins are big and black and they will kick your ass if you ever touch me again!". the guy told us to leave and i was like dragging her out. it was fucking hilarious.
o my god, guys i try to tell to go away try and get my number even harder! this is the new rule: you can give me your number, i won't give you mine. this kid invited me to smoke with him tomorrow and he was nice and not creepy so i think i'll do that (i have no shame when it comes to getting smoked out for free)
hmm, i wonder what i could get away with saying on this blog considering that no one reads it.
well... I NEED TO GET LAID! but i'm over compromising my integrity to do it.
ooo real time with bill maher!
"the liberals have always liked him, and the conservatives like the idea of having a black man clean up their mess"
ooo this entry has so much about race!
i think what can be gleaned is that i love black women... and obama.
and oliver stone!
btdubs have you bitches watched amy poehler's palin rap yet??? YOU BETTER!
man i made a KILLING on tips tonight
o my god why do the conservative guests even come on real time with bill maher?
anyway new thing, my new favorite "vote no on prop 8" commercial, with itzak perlman, talking about one of his children, who is a gay woman, and the whole family would obviously like her union with her wife to be recognized by the state. check it out

the night we saved babycakes

2008-10-25T00:41:00.000-07:00

are you ready for this shit?
well i just got off work at juliet's, it's 3:43 am
we smelled gas (or those of us who could smell smelled it), and the people from the county came out and stayed for like two hours while sofia and i chatted and listened to the "rat pack" satellite radio station
a couple of our pilot lights are out on the stove, it's ok
but! BABYCAKES WAS FULL OF GAS!
WE SAVED ITS LIFE!
ok i guess that's all i had to say.
come see me there tomorrow night bitches

WATCH THE NEW WATCHMEN TRAILER

2008-10-23T17:00:00.000-07:00

fuck yes! there isn't much more, and i heard a nasty rumor that snyder has changed the ending of my pet adaptation... but oh well it's the WATCHMEN MOVIE WHO CARES.

dean koontz and the new bong fund

2008-10-21T22:09:00.000-07:00

ok dean koontz just did a creepy monotone commercial with a dog, (i initially typed god heehee) about how his new book is about the relationship between man and doggie. i HATE this new crap about there being commercials for books. ok i'm going to work out a budget that allows all my income from juliet's (a very fun job except for the creepy dudes who try to ask me out. why can't it be the cute ones?) to go to the new bong fund. by the way, only a roor will do. and it'll be roor number three (shhhh), and three is my lucky number so hopefully our love will last a lifetime. my allowance will need to go to paying back a couple of folks and the essential three b's (booze, bud and... we'll just say bread), but other than that, NEW BONG FUND HERE WE COME!

i'll accept donations, by the way. it's for a good cause.
hmm actually i thought the new roor would be over $200 but it seems it's only going to be like $120 this may be doable tomorrow, or at least after i get paid on friday. let me figure this shit out hold on.
UPDATE: if i hadn't gotten the ten dollar pasta with meat sauce at work (which i obviously left there like a dumbass) then i would have enough. I'll have to wait til friday or til morgan pays me back. meh.

heroing

2008-10-21T00:48:00.000-07:00

i just talked about the longevity of my bong earlier tonight without knocking on wood, citing my carpet as the reason
i just reached for my water glass and knocked the bong upside down against the table and futon
the same part as the last roor broke
it broke a little piece of my heart
the pieces of my heart group started my awareness, but things that happen to you and that you do really do take away a piece of you
i will never be as full as i once was
i have been assaultingly nostalgic for a certain time in my life
blogging high and late is never a good idea.
i will leave you with something relevant to what this blog is supposed to be
i had a dream last night that i was a HERO! the problem is when i can do cool things in dreams they only work part of the time. my power was that i could fuck with machines. not like micah sanders, he can talk to machines, but i could fuck them up, like make them not work, by making a fist really hard and fast and focusing
i was also pursuing stephen colbert, who had been my high school teacher, and i wanted to bone him, clearly
it was interesting.

my new favorite thing ever!

2008-10-21T00:09:00.000-07:00

i would take this record to bed and sleep with it.
haven't you heard? THE BIRD IS THE WORD!
(this is a song featured on a great new family guy episode as peter's favorite song. it's actually amazing)

truth.

2008-10-19T14:38:00.001-07:00

yes. the most amazing thing ever done on snl. poehler does the palin rap while palin grooves along.

the most interesting show ever

2008-10-14T16:09:00.001-07:00

there's a tv show on right now (it doesn't matter because it's two and a half men time and that is a sacred covenant between me and my bong) but this show is called... get ready for this:
THINGS REMOVED FROM BODY
!!!
this is on tlc, and the description of this show, which apparently is something more than a one shot, is: "Bikers impaled; woman speared by marlin."
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
wow!
now i'm going to keep downloading the newest heroes. and apparently there are two episodes in the first season i never saw! o joy, o bliss!
i introduced sam to the show, and he loved it, especially, as i predicted, the illustrious hiro nakamura!

more coming later

2008-10-09T23:28:00.000-07:00

fuck you all

2008-10-09T22:15:00.001-07:00

ok press gave my part away to someone who, for the purposes of this blog being public to everyone, is fat, ugly, and has a lisp. HAVE FUN WEARING MY SKINTIGHT CATSUIT BITCH! the plan right now is to make her so uncomfortable about taking my part that she'll just back out. who am i kidding, i'm just going to drink enough to try to bone nathan explosion through my tv screen

and try to remind myself that i'm still in the play, and i can still pass my other class. i will get a job at juliet's and things won't totally suck. right?

booth!

2008-10-08T16:49:00.000-07:00

this is the funniest post iwatchstuff has ever written, his ideas for the new showtime series about john wilkes booth and his brothers starring kevin bacon.

more presidential paris

2008-10-08T16:16:00.000-07:00

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

this is pretty fucking good. it also made me happy because i was watching two and a half men and when charlie showed up at paris' party i had twice the fun of the least talented sheen.

late

2008-10-08T00:24:00.000-07:00

a couple hilarious things i learned on slog:
the la president of NOW endorses palin because they are fellow athletes
the ceo of lehman brothers was punched out in the company gym after the company utterly bombed out this week
the sun has been just declared to NOT BE a perfect sphere. duh dumbasses this is real life we're talking about
damn i'm seeing julia louis-dreyfuss on conan, she looks fucking great. i want to be as funny as her and keep my looks as well as she has. plus her show also stars her along wanda sykes
k now i'm watching sesame street. it really is educational for kids with enough jokes for adults. there's a sisyphus bug that pushes a rock up a hill among other things

anyway i've been having the best dreams lately, making waking up difficult. they're pretty fantastical. i'm going to indulge now

being affectionately disrespectful to the memory of my first love

2008-10-07T19:50:00.000-07:00

so i was like "when's the second anniversary of patrick's death?" today when i was walking back from the grocery store with my $4 joesixpack and two granny smith apples (i know how to live well on a budget), listening to katy perry's song "ur so gay".
duh it was like two weeks ago, when i was in virginia. i should have gone to his grave but i just didn't think about it because i'm a fucking flake who drove by the cemetery and blew him a kiss at least once a day (the street happens to be a shortcut to my house) until i wrecked my delilah again (my car's name). so before i post the lyrics to this song, rest in peace patrick i miss you every day.

(btw the inverted pentagram made out of the "o" in gibbon wasn't done by me, and to those who did it, touche)
now onto the rude part, which is that i listened to this song and of course it describes every douchebag at vassar, but it's also the kind of song that when p was alive i would have been like "p this is your song!" and he would have gotten all pissed about it. aw now i miss him more. yes it's also offensive that it refers to the way he died, but if you're reading this then it's pretty much certain that i know him better than you and it's my fucking prerogative. i could really go on and on but this is my entertainment blog and not a livejournal so i won't. so here you go, the lyrics, and a link to the song itself:

I hope you hang yourself with your H&M scarf
While jacking off listening to Mozart
You bitch and moan about LA
Wishing you were in the rain reading Hemingway
You don’t eat meat
And drive electrical cars
You’re so indie rock it’s almost an art
You need SPF 45 just to stay alive

You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like boys
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like…

You’re so sad maybe you should buy a happy meal
You’re so skinny you should really Super Size the deal
Secretly you’re so amused
That nobody understands you
I’m so mean cause I cannot get you outta your head
I’m so angry cause you’d rather MySpace instead
I can’t believe I fell in love with someone that wears more makeup than…

You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like boys
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like…

You walk around like you’re oh so debonair
You pull ‘em down and there’s really nothing there
I wish you would just be real with me

You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like boys
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
Oh no no no no no no no
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like boys
You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like
No you don’t even like… PENIS

CONSUMED BY HEROES

2008-10-01T23:30:00.000-07:00

sorry i haven't been blogging much, i've been watching the whole first season of heroes, and number two is on the way. it's the best thing i've ever seen and i'm in love with peter petrelli (milo ventimiglia, who is beautiful and and has the all important lanky dark hair and sideways smile). i need to return to it now bye.

2008-09-22T23:39:00.000-07:00

ok spore is fun as fuck. i think i may start another civilization just for fun. the galactic stage does give me some anxiety because of my fear of the infinity of space, but honestly i think it's helping me work through my issues.
i wanted to tell you all that i am a slave for vanessa hudgens song "sneakernight"
i like that bitch because she's a sexual being and a whore and she don't give a shit
disney be damned!
i don't like miley because her smile is too big and she should just embrace her whorishness. she is a hot young babe who wants to bone her older boyfriend and take sexy pictures. hell, i was doing wayyy worse at fifteen! just beeeeee it milehhh
whoa the girl on this "parental control" looks like brunette steve. that is soo weird.
i had a dream last night where i was desperate about shit and god it was unattractive. i strive to give less than half a shit.
i do love the gay dude who was like "i want someone just like my stepdad, but gay". his stepdad was quite a silver fox. i am a fan of the silver fox, though that won't end up on my facebook like "pale, thin boys with longish wavy brown hair"
this entry was written last night.

yo ho ho and a bottle of 1987 champagne

2008-09-19T21:42:00.000-07:00

ok there are a lot of things i need to write about
the first thing is this clip from the soup of two little boys mooing on the bonnie hunt showi searched google for this shit and it asks me "did you mean little boys mooning?"
for once, the answer was no
i just tried this line out on my friends and they didn't instantly react.
we're all kinda high and drunk and watching the soup
anyway the boys moo at each other, slowly locking eyes and beginning a slow smile, and i believe we witnessed the moment that the pair of them fell in love.
anyway apparently this clip is not online yet
so i'm obviously down in the va
we watched i love money
then curb your enthusiasm, one of my favorite episodes, "the smoking jacket"
ok i'm feeling inspired to be more jewish and i am craving charoset and fucking LATKES!
i'm like the jewish dlisted
i wish
anyway this is the hilarious curb where rob corddry plays the sex offender who comes to seder, which is part of the passover desire
it is emily's 21st in just a bit, and we will make it fun!
ok i need to end this post because i am too goooooooood to do otherwise

when i'm a big girl!

2008-09-17T16:27:00.000-07:00

when i grow up i want to be like chris meloni
i want to be on some show like law and order:svu where i don't have to think so much, i just have to be badass, and do fun comedy and low-budget movies like wet hot american summer and harold and kumar.
love you christopha!
samantha bee sings "send in the cash" to the tune of... well obviously, "send in the clowns"
o god rob riggle, and john oliver joining in with other streisand tunes. this was fucking hilarious.
wyatt cenac doing lil wayne. it was all a win. time for another tequila shot!
anyway so obviously it was tv date night with me and my friend morgan, which means AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL and PROJECT RUNWAY!
my favorite models on antm continued to pwn, the kinda gothy girl, elina, got wild red curls, and isis (the tranny) got long flowing locks. britney, very pretty but not too interesting, was the one to leave.
on project runway they had to design an outfit for recent college grads, approved of by their moms. my personal favorite was the mini-kenley (she even wore a feather hairclip and laughed at another contestants expense with the divine miss k), but i'm glad jerrel won, his outfit and the makeover for his cute little lesbian androgyne were beautiful. i think the final three should be kenley, jerrel and leanne
korto is boring, she does the same shit over and over again and her outfit this week was totally lame and unflattering. suede is good but not winner material, plus he speaks in third person. and, thank the powers that be that joe went home
ooo charlize theron is on the daily show and she is one good interview
ok, this blindness movie could actually be cool.
they released a new commercial for it and it looks pretty hot
ok i did a late night makeup and photo shoot, here's the best one

brit!

2008-09-16T21:50:00.000-07:00

awww i just saw brit accept some vmas and she looked FIERCE!
fuck yeah!
looking hot is the best revenge and she looks lovely
leave britney ALONE because she looks like a million bucks
and media, stop portraying borderline personality as serious craziness, we can handle our shit if we realize our problems
LOVE YOU OTHER BORDERLINE SUFFERERS!
so here is the lovely spears:

tobes does sarah palin

2008-09-16T21:34:00.000-07:00

here it is, motherfuckers

toby and jacob go to a big drunk concert

2008-09-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

so as the title suggests my good friend jacob and i went to the soco music experience concert this weekend
we got there in the afternoon, i was afraid he wasn't going to be able to get in due to his fake id
it was actually super easy, and we soon decided we needed to get much more drunk for this experience
we got some vodka at the store (of course i got a hard time because my id has me pissed off as shit after 24 hours awake and 3 at the dmv... and o yeah, with long blonde hair) and drank it very quick in the parking lot
then they sold us beer at the show for like $5 a cup, which i of course decided to steal from people we didn't know because yeah right, we are college/high school students with no fucking money and theft is hilarious when it happens to people you don't know
there was a fun ska band, one band who we met the lead singer of (i think he thought we both were cute. i understand) and then finally justice came on
(i had to explain to my friend adam who the jonas brothers were today, and i told him that justice looked like him with more facial hair, and the other looked like the sexy jonas brother. apparently morgan and i have different opinions on who the sexy jonas brother is. i think it's the older one who's dating taylor swift, and morgan thinks it's nick jonas, who is a teenager. who's the sex criminal now???)
they were a ton of fun and we danced like crazy.
we also lost my car key.
so jacob and i were the last people to leave the concert at around 1:30 am. triple a drove us home finally and dropped my car outside. this was fucking horrible though. have you ever lost your keys two hours from home? better hope you're a aaa advance member! they will tow your ass 100 miles!
anyway it's a tuesday, no class til 3 pm tomorrow.
hey, apparently the one i like is JOE JONAS. and perez likes him too. ok he's 19 so he is a teenager but MORGAN LIKES THE YOUNGER ONE!
ahhh tuesday night margaritas during 90210. what a fun time.
if i cared about my audience i'd stop now...
but i don't!
ok my presence was just requested in virginia.
i have to do it folks!
it's emily's 21st birthday!!!
i can give up some weekend at vassar for natalie and emily, and i shall.

glasses and zuckerman

2008-09-16T20:32:00.000-07:00

megan fox, the hottest bitch alive, used to be in love with a hot badass stripper!
i feel bored. it means it's an andrea zuckerman kinda day!

which means i found glasses with no lenses and accidentally fooled almost all my main hoes (morgan, claire, marco, adam) into thinking i wore them for real. they even complimented me!
i think the glasses are a winner.
anyway we watched the new 90210 and found out dylan is kelly's baby daddy. i didn't like that because i ship for brenda and dylan. i hate bitches who steal their friends boyfriends. die kelly taylor! brenda looks sooooo much better anyway, kelly is fattish and has bad hair. looooook i put on makeup!

gossip cougars

2008-09-15T17:28:00.000-07:00

ok so come on people
vanessa, the supposed-to-be punky girl, is totally going to bone dan's dad!
and i love blair and chuck can't wait for them to bone again.
ooo a blackout.
i'm really torn about the older ho who nate is boning
she's kind of a creep but also, ya know
ok serena and dan are not done for good
they're just immature babies
gross dan and vanessa even talking makes me nauseous
ok she is a bitch. the cougar. but she's still fierce
how long will they keep me watching for a hope of a blair and chuck (they remind me of a couple i used to know) bone?
who can say.
the point is OLD SERENA is back next week and i am ready.

DOMINION

2008-09-15T15:22:00.000-07:00

i'm listening to "dominion" by sisters of mercy playing at an underground club in the original 90210. made my day. love that gothic rock.

I'M MAD AS HELL AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE

2008-09-13T00:12:00.001-07:00

i am drunk, back at home, and watching my favorite show, real time with bill maher
tim kaine, the democratic governor of virginia is the live video feed guest, and damn, is he ever a good guest
new rule: stop saying we can't impeach george bush, we still have two months!
and plenty others
"i think democrats underestimate her at their peril"
that shit was said by a wise npr commentator, who also happens to be a black woman (michel martin) on the show about SARAH PALIN
BE VERY AWARE, SARAH PALIN IS DANGEROUS EVEN THOUGH I LOVE HER
i am disgusted that mccain is taking almost half the country in these polls
WAKE UP!
i want you to get up now!
I'M as MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE this ANYMORE!

network is one of my favorite movies. watch it.

ONE DAY MORE

2008-09-12T15:46:00.000-07:00

19 | Hilarious Stuff at JibJab | Funny Satire at JibJab

THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN!
ONE DAY MORE FROM LES MIS AT THE BARACK CAMPAIGN HQ.
(thanks to dan savage)

planned parenthood knows how to fuck mccain

2008-09-12T15:36:00.000-07:00

planned parenthood attacks mccain and hits the nail on the head about the whole "obama wants to sex up our kids" bullshit

a heartfelt tribute

2008-09-11T12:17:00.000-07:00

See more Gina Gershon videos at Funny or Die

hell yes! gina gershon, star of such classic cinema as my favorite mess of a movie, SHOWGIRLS!!! and also the sexy hasidic jewish washerwoman on curb your enthusiasm takes on the role of a lifetime, SARAH PALIN!

RAPTUROUS RASPUTINA!

2008-09-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

so apparently i was living under a rock and missed a new rasputina album that came out about a year ago. i downloaded it all from this kind person's blog. DO IT! IT FUCKING RULES! melora creager, cellist and amazing singer/songwriter, chooses to focus on current events rather than her usual historic topics, and it works SO FUCKING HARD!
YAY.
if you don't get it, when you get to the page with just the mp3 file playing, open up the "file" menu on your mac (i don't know if this works on pcs because, honestly, what does?) and choose "save page as" and then DO IT. simply open in your itunes and you are fucking set.

a woman(?) after my own heart

2008-09-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

palin opinions are the theme for the day. i'll have you all know that i put the palin newsweek cover in one of the nine windows on my front door, adding my hot and messy love to the following:
the best cover us weekly has ever done about britney spears

the stolen dvd insert from casino, a true american masterpiecesome sandman postcards, most of which are part of the big collage. o, you don't know from the big collage? almost my entire house is covered with it. here's part of one wall:

back to the door.

this lovely watercolor is punctuated by the text at the bottom: "Sorry for not having written you for such a long time. Stay metal!"

an important question to ask yourself.

so finally, here's the newsweek cover!

bitchezzzz

matt damon dumps on palin

2008-09-11T10:32:00.000-07:00

the man is correct. sarah i love you but i'd love you more if you got in a snowmobiling accident and lost all motor function!
by the way i'm auditioning for brundibar, the operetta, at dutchess tonight. wish me a broken leg.

big gay crush of the day AND OTHER SHIT

2008-09-09T17:24:00.000-07:00

my big gay crush of the day is the hot piece who plays "silver" on the new 90210. her eyes are hypnotizing me. i could never have a crush on shenae because she is my darceadoo on degrassi and she's a hot MESS! i'm glad of her success, but jessica stroup is the important one. i like the drug addict popular girl with the bangs, but jessica is the one i want to love me longtime!

UPDATE: she is also on the beginning of trueblood, the AMAZING new vampire show from hbo. morgan and i watched the first episode. i love anna paquin, her saucy black friend, her murderous brother, her pice old granny, and of course the dead sexy vamp! A+ motherfuckers!
and yeah, HBO is back, with new episodes of my favorite piece of self-indulgent liberal crap, REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER! YES!

ooo thank heaven!

2008-09-06T17:43:00.000-07:00

DAMN
i just finished heavenly creatures, and i can safely say that it is now my second favorite movie, unseating terror firmer from its 7 year stranglehold on number two, just beat out by natural born killers of course (that will NEVER change)
interesting enough, as the true story of natural born killers is one of my favorite murder narratives (all of my favorite movies involve murder: nbk, this one, terror firmer, american psycho, chinatown, unforgiven, etc), and so is the true story of pauline parker and juliet hulme, upon which this film was based.
it was fucking amazing
kate winslet and melanie lynskey (my second favorite character on two and a half men) are perfectly charming and terrifying as a couple of young, infirm girls experiencing their first love, and creating a fantasy world to which they almost entirely retreat
if you know anything about the story, or if you kind of understood the first scene, you know that the lovely young ladies off melanie's mom when she is perceived as the one to blame for the girls' impending separation. the murder scene was literally the most chilling i have ever seen, and the buildup was exquisite
all the diary entries that lynskey narrates with come straight out of pauline parker's actual diaries, giving the film a more personal and terrifying feeling
the scenes with the animated clay figures from pauline and juliet's imaginary land of borovnia are breathtaking. the high drama of the music and the surreal shooting create such a perfect ambiance. this fucking film is perfect.

nightmares!

2008-09-06T15:19:00.000-07:00

i had a dream last night that sarah palin declined the nightmare.
fuck that, it was a nightmare!
i also got pretty wastey and saw broken social scene perform outside the ta's at vassar
they have the dumbest name of any band ever but it was still fun
then there was a huge th party and that was fun. unfortunately i lost my phone, but it was fun to see everyone after summer

milk!

2008-09-04T11:18:00.000-07:00

this looks fucking great.

the most amazing woman in america

2008-09-03T20:50:00.000-07:00

ok, by popular request, here it is

my big gay crush of the week is none other than exquisite vice-presidential nominee, sarah palin!
this hot mess is pretty much the nail in the coffin for good old mccain (like he needs any help that coffin is ready at all times to accept him) and these are the reasons i love her:
bitch looks just like andrea zuckerman, i just want to see her throw herself at jason priestley and his hot beard
she has a little baby with down syndrome (trig) who no one had seen pictures of until she and he were photographed for no less than FOUR celebrity weekly covers this week
everyone thought this baby was actually born to her 17 year old daughter, bristol, until they went public this week with the fact that brissy is pregnant NOW, knocked up by a cute redneck hockey player from her high school. supposedly the kids are to be wed. palin is adamantly against sex education in schools. oops!
she used to be involved with the alaskan independent party, one of the major tenets of which is that alaska should be allowed to secede from the union!
she has zero foreign policy experience and has been to a grand total of three foreign countries
she loves the outdoors because it provides her with her favorite hobbies: hunting, fishing, and snowmobiling
she was mayor of a town with less than 9,000 people before becoming governor of one of the least populated states in the union. she's been governor for a year and a half (and obama is inexperienced?)
it's so charming how all the republican talking heads have established these double standards for her
i must take a shower and shit but you know i will update this shit later
unqualified and out of control! sarah palin, you girl gone wild (and andrea zuckerman clone), you are my big gay crush of the week!

(funny poster stolen with love from perez)

america's next top model!!!

2008-09-03T18:20:00.001-07:00

marjorie is my initial favorite, an awkward cutie from france, but i do love the asian girl from harlem, and, of course, isis, the pre-op tranny
she has a penis!
niiiice
there always has to be someone for the other girls to be offensive to
heather, the girl with asbergers, was one of my favorites ever
the first hour was fun and super cheesy, now they're doing a voting themed photo shoot
whitney is such a great covergirl i'm so glad she won even if it was planned
oo elina is good too, pale with dark hair and dark eyes
ew the girls are being rude to isis during her shoot
ooo analeigh is a beauty i like her too
damn isis' photo is fucking fierce! it's creative, i think she should win the shoot
aww ok marjorie won that's fine with me
i watched the new 90210
they didn't follow through with a lot of plot stuff and the music sounded like a nonstop itunes commercial but i liked it and of course i love shenae so cooool

amy amy amy! no no noooooooo

2008-09-01T15:04:00.000-07:00

ok i don't believe in weed overdoses, but one of amy's friends spoke out to the press recently about her supposedly having one after smoking for 36 hours straight. ummm, wouldn't it more likely be related to being up for 36 hours straight and ALL THE OTHER DRUGS SHE DOES? fucking dumbass. anyway, as you may or may not know i fucking adore amy's music, her look, her essence. i love amy winehouse, and i'm very afraid she is going to die. this is the distressing stuff:
"The 'friend' shed some light on Crackhouse's crystal meth binges and said that a 36-HOUR pot marathon is what dealt the final blow to her brain. We know many people don't believe there's such a thing as pot overdosing, but UK medics have said Wino WAS likely damaged by a cannabis overdose and that explains her display of symptoms normally associated with schizophrenia.
Her first overdose in August 2007 was reportedly from cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, ketamine and crystal meth. Afterward, she was supposedly advised to see a psychiatrist after "displaying “multiple personality traits” that made her a suicide risk." Overdose number two came in July this year when she supposedly smoked an “inhuman” amount of hash that left her vomiting uncontrollably and hallucinating."

from perez.
AMY: CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND DON'T DIE. wouldn't that just be topper to a two year streak of dying friends and family (the count is eight now i believe).then of course all the other dead artists: george carlin, heath ledger, isaac hayes.
ooo ok i just saw the new preview for this season of desperate housewives (aka despote) it made me happy. just cause i'm upset about amy doesn't mean i'm in a shitty mood, although i spent hours puking this morning. i was pretty drunk when i got to vassar last night, and i then proceeded to lead my team to failure in flipcup, although i was the fastest person to do my initial flip which was how i got to be team captain. i think it was the first time i've ever been team captain of anything hahaha. i had to bounce from the townhouses at 6 am because i was going to puke everywhere. i had to open the car door on the way back and vom on the road, then i puked my way through a little sleep, some csi, and finally came 90210 to marathon on my screen and make my tummy better. in an hour and a half morgan and ilena and i will be watching the gossip girl premiere, so i won't be liveblogging it but you can expect a review and all the spoilers. i'll also be watching the new 90210 premiere tomorrow with a bunch of people, maybe over at vassar. shit i have other plans tomorrow! hmmmmm. anyway, i leave you with a quote from my friend emily about my activities of late:
"You are hilarious and an inspiration to all"

my paean to cracked.com

2008-08-31T14:14:00.000-07:00

i love cracked.com, and the best part about the website is their weekly photoshop contests. this week's really took the cake, so check out "10 important news stories as depicted by 5-year olds."

kermit bale!

2008-08-30T15:33:00.000-07:00

this is a fucking hilarious website that postulates that kermit and my one true love christian bale are the same person/being

why i don't miss high school as much as i think

2008-08-30T11:53:00.001-07:00

so strangely enough i've been hanging out with a couple teenagers lately. i think i can safely say that i met one of the most obnoxious kids i've ever run into in my life last night. he was in over his head in the coolness factor and he would not SHUT UP. he would talk about nothing and say all the most absurd shit like "i'm a different person when i drink" after one beer, and asking me about the "different kinds of drunk" you get. he called asbergers "aspy" (his brother is apparently way aspy). he started listing the drugs that his siblings were on wanting to know if any of them were cool. they were not, like lithium and lamictal and zoloft. are you kidding me? he talked about weed constantly and of course smoking occurred at some point and he was like "i like some weed better than others. there are two kinds, indica and sativa, which kind is this?". i was like "are you fucking kidding me? it's called the lorax and no one asks if the shit they are buying is indica or sativa". i don't know how else to describe the kind of annoying yesman this kid was, except to say that his nickname is fetus, and he tried to make it appear better by saying he spelled it with a ph. regardless, the other kids were cool and it would have been a pretty perfect evening minus that kid. but i'm going to work that into the play production piece in some way, and he could be a good one shot character for the high school teleplay. it makes people a lot more bearable if you think of the obnoxious ones as material.

this came to me from moveon.org today.

2008-08-30T11:41:00.000-07:00

"Who is Sarah Palin? Here's some basic background:

She was elected Alaska's governor a little over a year and a half ago. Her previous office was mayor of Wasilla, a small town outside Anchorage. She has no foreign policy experience.1
Palin is strongly anti-choice, opposing abortion even in the case of rape or incest.2
She supported right-wing extremist Pat Buchanan for president in 2000. 3
Palin thinks creationism should be taught in public schools.4
She's doesn't think humans are the cause of climate change.5
She's solidly in line with John McCain's "Big Oil first" energy policy. She's pushed hard for more oil drilling and says renewables won't be ready for years. She also sued the Bush administration for listing polar bears as an endangered species—she was worried it would interfere with more oil drilling in Alaska.6
How closely did John McCain vet this choice? He met Sarah Palin once at a meeting. They spoke a second time, last Sunday, when he called her about being vice-president. Then he offered her the position.7"

the choice is offensive to thinking americans and a transparent play for hillary supporters. there was seriously not a more qualified woman he could find? what a dumbass. he'd die in office and this bitch (and he says obama is inexperienced?) would become president. are you kidding me? plus:
DO YOU REALLY WANT THE OLDEST KID AT WEST BEVERLY HIGH IN THE WHITE HOUSE???

in other, better news, the democratic national convention was great, moved me to tears occasionally because i'm a fucking sucker. i was nationalistic orgasming when michelle obama spoke (i fucking love her), obama's little girls are so damn cute (it's going to be rough on them to grow up in today's media culture) and his speech was freaking great. i'm very excited for november.

nerds and other things i like

2008-08-27T15:19:00.000-07:00

this kid is my favorite. he's in a movie called Drakmar: A Vassal's Journey, which it seems is about this kid being a nerdy rpger, which makes me happy. i swear i'll write more in here but i just started school so i've been spending time in class, getting an external hard drive for my film shit, hanging out with one high schooler, and seeing all the kids up at vassar. this is like the only day i get to watch both hours of 90210. ok this bothers me, i really want to like andrea zuckerman but she's just so damn old! gabrielle carteris is 29 at the beginning of the first season. when i make my high school show i'm going to have everyone look and act reasonably high school. speaking of which, in my play production class, we are developing a show to perform for local high schools about relevant issues. i'm in charge of the multimedia shit (film that we'll project behind the actors) and also our section on suicide. i'm looking forward to it. my term is a fucking joke, but a happy one. play production, film editing, acting, doing the play, and voice lessons are my credits for a full term, hooray.

the rocker

2008-08-23T22:46:00.000-07:00

i need to record here that, as you know, i am gay for obama, but now i'm also BI FOR BIDEN!
see, it expresses that i'm head over heels for obama, but not committed yet to biden, but i'm willing to explore him. and, of course, it's clever and cheeky. i'm thinking a bumper sticker, to add to my new beauty, "mom@stressedout.com", the dorkiest thing ever to adhere to a vehicle. additionally, i saw the rocker tonight with a younger friend (i feel like a sex criminal every time i hang out with this kid. he's 16 for the record.) and it was a good time. it was a charming movie that didn't fully mature, and didn't fully flesh out characters played by such great comedians as jane lynch, jeff garlin, christina applegate and will arnett. rainn wilson, however, was cast to perfection. every smash he makes on the drums elicits another hilarious facial expression, and i found myself thanking the god of cinema that they didn't cast will ferrell or some other less nuanced comic as the lead. don't get me wrong, will ferrell is frequently appropriate, but the joke is wayyy past its prime as far as his post-pubescent manchild thing goes. why is that such a popular concept in hollywood? anyway the plot required a certain level of suspension of disbelief, especially to someone who knows quite a few aspiring music stars. the most natural thing about it, honestly, was the romance between the bassist (emma stone!) and her real life boyfriend, the tortured lead singer. it made me feel warm and nice inside. anyway time for me to hit the bong and then the sack.
topic for tomorrow: my arguments with chris
(picture lovingly stolen from here)

hilarious name of the week

2008-08-22T17:26:00.000-07:00

this is old but it still needs to be posted:

semen poltavsky!
this bitch was born in odessa, soviet union
AND HIS FUCKING NAME IS SEMEN
he was on the russian olympic volleyball team
which lost to us
sorry i have been remiss in my blogging duties
life required a little more living than usual

a hot lesbian date

2008-08-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

so emily's restaurant couldn't seat us for like half an hour.

i don't know if anyone is familiar with how much i hate waiting for shit at restaurants, but i fucking hate restaurants

so natalie and i bounced to this lovely thai place called "rabieng"

we got a couple of looks, and then, when we ordered, they had me order for us

apparently, it was date night at the restaurant and if one ordered $30 worth of food (pretty fucking easy) the couple of ya would get a free bottle of wine
so i ordered the wine, and when it came the waiter showed it to me, i nodded, he poured a little in my glass for me to taste, i nodded again, and they poured a whole glass for natalie and then me.
then he brought the check to me!
now it's not the fact that he thought we were a gay couple that makes this story hilarious, although at a distance people often mistake me and natalie for each other (she's the full color version and i'm the black and white)
it's the fact that he assumed that we had a bitch and a butch in our relationship, and the fact that if we were in a relationship we might take these roles
but it's pretty interesting to assume that a pair of lesbians have male and female roles in their relationship, and it would in fact piss off most lesbians i know
but kudos to the thai restaurant for being so forward thinking, the thai's craziest thing is the abundance of ladymen back in the home country

now we're screaming!!!

MY BIG GAY CRUSH OF THE DAY

2008-08-18T00:14:00.000-07:00

cloris leachman!

she was fucking hilarious on the comedy central roast of bob saget tonight, and also the butt of such fabulous jokes about her age as "shakespeare did her in the park!" (my personal favorite of the whole evening)

some things i knew:

she's fucking hilarious as frau blucher in young frankenstein, when horses neigh every time her name is uttered, and asks gene wilder if he'd like some "varm milk?"

she's done a lot of shit and won an oscar

some things i didn't know:

she was on mary tyler moore

she's won more emmys than any other actress

she was in butch cassidy and the sundance kid

she's 82!

damn, girl looks better than my 67 year old stepdad!

wayyyy better
but i suppose i'm biased because i don't like my stepdad and i fucking love cloris

anyway, i'd hit it, her vag is practically legendary.

also i went to see the dark knight in imax tonight

and I RODE ON A MOTORCYCLE FOR THE FIRST TIME!

on the way to the theatre i was terrified

but on the way back i got into it and felt like a badass

the movie is just as good the second time, being in the second row didn't change that

imax rules!

quote of the day

2008-08-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

we've been waiting for the phelps since 8 pm
a degrassi marathon helped us through
but i just had to mention that the announcer just called the 500m race we're watching right now "the superbowl of sports"
...
edit: we watched the penultimate race. honestly, i am pretty radical politically but sometimes i'm proud to be an american, and phelpsy brings that shit out in me
during the relay race that won him his eighth gold medal at these games, when the other swimmers would go, i was like "come on, you owe it to phelpsy!"
and all of them were so humble when they won. but honestly, phelps, in the looks department, has nothing on the three beautiful black girls who kicked ass in the 400 meter hurdle dash
i'll find some pics of them later, and you'll thank me

lick it bitch!

2008-08-16T12:06:00.000-07:00

i'm a fan of covers, and this is one of the coolest covers i've heard ever,
this madison gal kinda reminds me of pj harvey, doing her badass version of lil wayne's "lollipop"

ROBERT DOWNEY JR IS MY BIG GAY CRUSH OF THE WEEK

2008-08-14T23:05:00.001-07:00

ok anyone who has ever met me probably knows that my biggest love on the silver screen is

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

i was first introduced to his "ness" (my word for essence) in my favorite film of all time (all together now:)

NATURAL BORN KILLERS.

i own three copies of this film, because one time i lost one, and the first version i bought was not the directors cut, which has tommy lee jones' head on a stake outside the prison, and woody harrelson raping the hostage that it's implied he rapes in the r-rated film.

the worst mistake of my life?

that i bought the r-rated version of terror firmer

the first thing that happens in this, my second favorite film, is that some sleazy dude says to the transsexual serial killer "mmm just the kind of king size pussy that i like!" and the bitch tears off his leg as he cries "hey that's my leg!"

in the r-rated version, "pussy" is bleeped, and there is a huge box that says "censored" over the severance of the leg

the rest of the film continues with the director, lloyd kaufman, commenting in the corner

it's safe to say i only last about five minutes with this
I NEED THE X-RATED VERSION!

ok sorry too much vodka to focus on my objective with this post, which is to discuss RDJ, also known as "wayne gale!"

he apparently thought up the idea of that character, host of the sensationalistic show "american psychos" in NBK, would be australian. it makes him very funny, and very sexy, especially as he becomes a willing accomplice in mickey and mallory's murders to escape from prison in the second act of this flawless film.

apparently he was nominated for an oscar for his portrayal of charlie chaplin in the eponymous film

he also charmed my pants off as a fucking crazy druggie in a scanner darkly, which features the coolest animation of any film i've ever seen

by the way, who the fuck borrowed waking life from me? i forgot!

uh oh RDJ back on tv intermission

ooo jay baruchel

o shit justin theroux worked on tropic thunder, as co-writer/producer! that's fucking awesome. he is most famous with me (phrase courtesy of my old southern paw) for being in mulholland drive, david lynch's lesbian mindfuck, as the cuckolded director

anyway i like jay baruchel, he's such a cute jewish hippiepunk stoner.

but RDJ!

he did lots of drugs and that's obviously hot

he's sober now and working hard, which would be less hot if he was
i still need to see iron man, but i won't miss his ass in tropic thunder, that's for sure

I LOVE YOU FOREVER ROBERT DOWNEY JUNIOR! YOU ARE MY BIG GAY CRUSH OF THE WEEK!

(PIC LOVINGLY STOLEN FROM WIKIPEDIA)

heard on the colbert report:

2008-08-14T22:38:00.001-07:00

a giant inflatable turd brought down a power line after escaping from a swiss museum!!!

MY BIG GAY CRUSH OF THE DAY

2008-08-14T21:46:00.000-07:00

nastia liukin!

she is currently in second place in the all-around women's gymnastics final, and she's got hips and boobs under her shiny pink leotard!

she also has that undeniably ugly yet oh so attractive hipster-bump with her bangs (i mean so does sean johnson but she's one stocky little thing)

o wow these gals just won first and second place, nastia in first obviously, only gold caliber bitches for me

fuck that, platinum!

her performance in the final floor challenge was beautiful, i pity anyone

anyway she just sent out her first text message from china, apparently, clearly to me

her parents were Soviet champion gymnasts so she's the product of eugenics

we can roleplay wwII scenarios in the bedroom

these posts are just getting worse and worse aren't they

anyway, anastasia liukin, you can text me anytime, because you're MY BIG GAY CRUSH OF THE DAY!

serial killers out for the phelps!

2008-08-14T21:05:00.000-07:00

ok, when you go to michael phelps wikipedia page, this is what happens:

for the record, the top part reads "This is the Zodiac speaking. Do you think you cowards can run from me? No you cannot for I am above mortal things."

now it's fixed but man it was creepy

i realize now it was probably some weirdo who likes serial killer shit (not like natural born killers or oz or anything, right?) but my friends and i just smoked a cross joint, which i constructed using two joints, cutting semicircles out of their middles and nestling them into each other at the center, then wrapping the center with a couple of strips of the glue on rolling papers. anyway said cross joint totally worked and totally convinced me that the zodiac killer was on wikipedia!

now we're watching gymnastics on the olympics, the little chinese girl with no chin scored wayyy too high after fucking up on the beam

and bela carollo or whoever is covering the olympics with bob costas (my friend says he used to coach the us women's team) just said "you go girlfriend" in this fabulous accent to the american girl with the hipster bump in the front of her hair

man the olympics are fuN!

MY BIG GAY CRUSH OF THE DAY

2008-08-13T23:45:00.000-07:00

"i'll hide the afikomen in a very special spot"
chelsea handler!
i fucking love this jersey jew
she should get an hourlong show for sho.
"she was a ho. for sho."
best line from forty year old virgin
am i drunken?
yes! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

(pic lovingly stolen from e!'s website)

BIG GAY CRUSH OF THE DAY

2008-08-12T23:42:00.000-07:00

WANDA SYKES!
"i hate all that damn driving, it interferes with my drinking!" she just said on the standup special i'm enjoying on comedy central
i have loved her forever, basically since crank yankers. i have to find the clip.
found it!

she's fucking hilarious on curb your enthusiasm, where she seems to constantly be around when larry david awkwardly interacts with black characters
she's elaine's best friend on the new adventures of old christineand she does the funniest female standup i have ever seen
wanda sykes, please bone me.
you are my BIG GAY CRUSH OF THE DAY!

QUITE A NIGHT & nick and nora's infinite hipster douchiness

2008-08-12T23:10:00.000-07:00

we saw quite a few previews tonight before pineapple express
watchmen was not one of them, to the great disappoinment of the fanboy/girls among us
one, however, left all of us feeling hipster-raped
"nick and nora's infinite playlist"

first off, i hate kat dennings
she's one of those actresses whose career i should be having
if you have met me you may understand, but i want to do her gothy angst thing onscreen before i get too old
and then, the music, the michael cera, the car
at the beginning of the trailer i said "is this a sequel to juno?"
and upon learning the title, one of my friends said "they may as well have called it 'our iphone 3gs'"
that was funny
it was funnier because my friend and i smoked a joint in the bathroom at the regal cinemas before the film, and when the security dude came through the theatre with his extendable red lightsaber thingy (there's a similar mechanism in my dad's basement, where i am broadcasting from if you hadn't gotten that yet) we were both terrified.
he just told some bitches to turn their phones off
and some dumb teenager brought her baby to the theatre, and you better believe it was old enough to cry, but when it stopped crying it started quoting the movie!
all the teenagers with the teen mom (there were like six) were having full blown conversations til my big latina friend was like "shut the fuck up!"
it was pretty funny, that was when the baby stopped crying
but yeah, the baby started repeating things from the movie, and the teenybopper squad started laughing! that kid is going to be like "fuck the police, i'm gonna tear that ass up" next time teenmom sees her parents and they're not going to be pleased.
then after the movie this crazy cool black lady followed us telling us about crooked cops and how that was the funniest movie she'd ever seen.
she also talked a lot about how lesbians wanted her ass and how she loved the d.
i said "don't we all"
we laughed a ton with her, and when we finally got out of the mall (it wasn't looking good there for a minute) she said we should all get together and laugh again, and who should we see, but the teenmom and her bitches! we laughed at them, and then continued home, in one of my friends terrifyingly huge truck
some teeny car stopped in the road in front of us and i was sure the truck was going to eat the little car
one of my friends screamed, it felt like we were in... a stoner action film!
see pineapple express, even funnier the second time!
anyway it was quite a night, that's for sure.

evil cheney!

2008-08-12T22:34:00.000-07:00

o my god!
my friends and i are watching the colbert report, back from a viewing of pineapple express, which was very eventful
but i had to get down that cheney looks like danny devito as the penguin from betman returns!!!
picture to come

my big gay crush of the day

2008-08-11T22:45:00.000-07:00

is stephen colbert! i love him so

my plan is get famous and go on his show and ask him for a kiss

i like him too much to mess up his marriage, but a kiss would just be great

he's hilarious and just such a perfect character actor

i'd love to see him in more films

check him out in strangers with candy, starring alongside the exquisitely funny amy sedaris

tonight stephen colbert looks at medical marijuana, delving

"into this seedy, stemmy underworld to find the blunt truth. they filed this report, after eating a bag of cheetos and watching princess mononoke"

it was entertaining.
supposedly maryland has legalized medicinal marijuana?
morgan! pretend to be sick!

unforgiven and mr lucky

2008-08-11T22:27:00.000-07:00

i watched unforgiven today, which is one of my top five films ever i'd say
i have a lot to say about it but i'm helping someone dear to me and i'll talk about that and mr. lucky tomorrow

just for now, isn't that roland of gilead in that photo there? i mean i realize the character was based on clint in his westerns, but i think that image is a perfect depiction of both men

where is amy???

2008-08-11T13:50:00.000-07:00

this is how amy looks in my heart.

it's an odd dilemma
i miss seeing my darlin amy winehouse everywhere and knowing what goes on in her day to day life
but when we see her, she's always acting nuts and really fucked up on some bad drugs
don't get me wrong, i'm all for good drugs
but amy is my favorite new artist of the last couple years, as you may or may not know, and i love how much of a hot mess she can be, but i'm afraid she's going to die
my friend emily says she has a bet going on who's going to kick the bucket first, amy or lil wayne
sad. i wrote this way earlier in the day i've got some great stories lets see if i get too stoned to share them tonight