my paean to cracked.com

i love cracked.com, and the best part about the website is their weekly photoshop contests. this week's really took the cake, so check out "10 important news stories as depicted by 5-year olds."

kermit bale!

this is a fucking hilarious website that postulates that kermit and my one true love christian bale are the same person/being

why i don't miss high school as much as i think

so strangely enough i've been hanging out with a couple teenagers lately. i think i can safely say that i met one of the most obnoxious kids i've ever run into in my life last night. he was in over his head in the coolness factor and he would not SHUT UP. he would talk about nothing and say all the most absurd shit like "i'm a different person when i drink" after one beer, and asking me about the "different kinds of drunk" you get. he called asbergers "aspy" (his brother is apparently way aspy). he started listing the drugs that his siblings were on wanting to know if any of them were cool. they were not, like lithium and lamictal and zoloft. are you kidding me? he talked about weed constantly and of course smoking occurred at some point and he was like "i like some weed better than others. there are two kinds, indica and sativa, which kind is this?". i was like "are you fucking kidding me? it's called the lorax and no one asks if the shit they are buying is indica or sativa". i don't know how else to describe the kind of annoying yesman this kid was, except to say that his nickname is fetus, and he tried to make it appear better by saying he spelled it with a ph. regardless, the other kids were cool and it would have been a pretty perfect evening minus that kid. but i'm going to work that into the play production piece in some way, and he could be a good one shot character for the high school teleplay. it makes people a lot more bearable if you think of the obnoxious ones as material.

this came to me from moveon.org today.

"Who is Sarah Palin? Here's some basic background:

She was elected Alaska's governor a little over a year and a half ago. Her previous office was mayor of Wasilla, a small town outside Anchorage. She has no foreign policy experience.1
Palin is strongly anti-choice, opposing abortion even in the case of rape or incest.2
She supported right-wing extremist Pat Buchanan for president in 2000. 3
Palin thinks creationism should be taught in public schools.4
She's doesn't think humans are the cause of climate change.5
She's solidly in line with John McCain's "Big Oil first" energy policy. She's pushed hard for more oil drilling and says renewables won't be ready for years. She also sued the Bush administration for listing polar bears as an endangered species—she was worried it would interfere with more oil drilling in Alaska.6
How closely did John McCain vet this choice? He met Sarah Palin once at a meeting. They spoke a second time, last Sunday, when he called her about being vice-president. Then he offered her the position.7"

the choice is offensive to thinking americans and a transparent play for hillary supporters. there was seriously not a more qualified woman he could find? what a dumbass. he'd die in office and this bitch (and he says obama is inexperienced?) would become president. are you kidding me? plus:
DO YOU REALLY WANT THE OLDEST KID AT WEST BEVERLY HIGH IN THE WHITE HOUSE???

in other, better news, the democratic national convention was great, moved me to tears occasionally because i'm a fucking sucker. i was nationalistic orgasming when michelle obama spoke (i fucking love her), obama's little girls are so damn cute (it's going to be rough on them to grow up in today's media culture) and his speech was freaking great. i'm very excited for november.

nerds and other things i like

this kid is my favorite. he's in a movie called Drakmar: A Vassal's Journey, which it seems is about this kid being a nerdy rpger, which makes me happy. i swear i'll write more in here but i just started school so i've been spending time in class, getting an external hard drive for my film shit, hanging out with one high schooler, and seeing all the kids up at vassar. this is like the only day i get to watch both hours of 90210. ok this bothers me, i really want to like andrea zuckerman but she's just so damn old! gabrielle carteris is 29 at the beginning of the first season. when i make my high school show i'm going to have everyone look and act reasonably high school. speaking of which, in my play production class, we are developing a show to perform for local high schools about relevant issues. i'm in charge of the multimedia shit (film that we'll project behind the actors) and also our section on suicide. i'm looking forward to it. my term is a fucking joke, but a happy one. play production, film editing, acting, doing the play, and voice lessons are my credits for a full term, hooray.

the rocker

i need to record here that, as you know, i am gay for obama, but now i'm also BI FOR BIDEN!
see, it expresses that i'm head over heels for obama, but not committed yet to biden, but i'm willing to explore him. and, of course, it's clever and cheeky. i'm thinking a bumper sticker, to add to my new beauty, "mom@stressedout.com", the dorkiest thing ever to adhere to a vehicle. additionally, i saw the rocker tonight with a younger friend (i feel like a sex criminal every time i hang out with this kid. he's 16 for the record.) and it was a good time. it was a charming movie that didn't fully mature, and didn't fully flesh out characters played by such great comedians as jane lynch, jeff garlin, christina applegate and will arnett. rainn wilson, however, was cast to perfection. every smash he makes on the drums elicits another hilarious facial expression, and i found myself thanking the god of cinema that they didn't cast will ferrell or some other less nuanced comic as the lead. don't get me wrong, will ferrell is frequently appropriate, but the joke is wayyy past its prime as far as his post-pubescent manchild thing goes. why is that such a popular concept in hollywood? anyway the plot required a certain level of suspension of disbelief, especially to someone who knows quite a few aspiring music stars. the most natural thing about it, honestly, was the romance between the bassist (emma stone!) and her real life boyfriend, the tortured lead singer. it made me feel warm and nice inside. anyway time for me to hit the bong and then the sack.
topic for tomorrow: my arguments with chris
(picture lovingly stolen from here)

hilarious name of the week

this is old but it still needs to be posted:

semen poltavsky!
this bitch was born in odessa, soviet union
AND HIS FUCKING NAME IS SEMEN
he was on the russian olympic volleyball team
which lost to us
sorry i have been remiss in my blogging duties
life required a little more living than usual

a hot lesbian date

so emily's restaurant couldn't seat us for like half an hour.

i don't know if anyone is familiar with how much i hate waiting for shit at restaurants, but i fucking hate restaurants

so natalie and i bounced to this lovely thai place called "rabieng"

we got a couple of looks, and then, when we ordered, they had me order for us

apparently, it was date night at the restaurant and if one ordered $30 worth of food (pretty fucking easy) the couple of ya would get a free bottle of wine
so i ordered the wine, and when it came the waiter showed it to me, i nodded, he poured a little in my glass for me to taste, i nodded again, and they poured a whole glass for natalie and then me.
then he brought the check to me!
now it's not the fact that he thought we were a gay couple that makes this story hilarious, although at a distance people often mistake me and natalie for each other (she's the full color version and i'm the black and white)
it's the fact that he assumed that we had a bitch and a butch in our relationship, and the fact that if we were in a relationship we might take these roles
but it's pretty interesting to assume that a pair of lesbians have male and female roles in their relationship, and it would in fact piss off most lesbians i know
but kudos to the thai restaurant for being so forward thinking, the thai's craziest thing is the abundance of ladymen back in the home country

now we're screaming!!!

MY BIG GAY CRUSH OF THE DAY

cloris leachman!

she was fucking hilarious on the comedy central roast of bob saget tonight, and also the butt of such fabulous jokes about her age as "shakespeare did her in the park!" (my personal favorite of the whole evening)

some things i knew:

she's fucking hilarious as frau blucher in young frankenstein, when horses neigh every time her name is uttered, and asks gene wilder if he'd like some "varm milk?"

she's done a lot of shit and won an oscar

some things i didn't know:

she was on mary tyler moore

she's won more emmys than any other actress

she was in butch cassidy and the sundance kid

she's 82!

damn, girl looks better than my 67 year old stepdad!

wayyyy better
but i suppose i'm biased because i don't like my stepdad and i fucking love cloris

anyway, i'd hit it, her vag is practically legendary.

also i went to see the dark knight in imax tonight

and I RODE ON A MOTORCYCLE FOR THE FIRST TIME!

on the way to the theatre i was terrified

but on the way back i got into it and felt like a badass

the movie is just as good the second time, being in the second row didn't change that

imax rules!

quote of the day

we've been waiting for the phelps since 8 pm
a degrassi marathon helped us through
but i just had to mention that the announcer just called the 500m race we're watching right now "the superbowl of sports"
...
edit: we watched the penultimate race. honestly, i am pretty radical politically but sometimes i'm proud to be an american, and phelpsy brings that shit out in me
during the relay race that won him his eighth gold medal at these games, when the other swimmers would go, i was like "come on, you owe it to phelpsy!"
and all of them were so humble when they won. but honestly, phelps, in the looks department, has nothing on the three beautiful black girls who kicked ass in the 400 meter hurdle dash
i'll find some pics of them later, and you'll thank me

lick it bitch!

i'm a fan of covers, and this is one of the coolest covers i've heard ever,
this madison gal kinda reminds me of pj harvey, doing her badass version of lil wayne's "lollipop"

ROBERT DOWNEY JR IS MY BIG GAY CRUSH OF THE WEEK

ok anyone who has ever met me probably knows that my biggest love on the silver screen is

ROBERT DOWNEY JR.

i was first introduced to his "ness" (my word for essence) in my favorite film of all time (all together now:)

NATURAL BORN KILLERS.

i own three copies of this film, because one time i lost one, and the first version i bought was not the directors cut, which has tommy lee jones' head on a stake outside the prison, and woody harrelson raping the hostage that it's implied he rapes in the r-rated film.

the worst mistake of my life?

that i bought the r-rated version of terror firmer

the first thing that happens in this, my second favorite film, is that some sleazy dude says to the transsexual serial killer "mmm just the kind of king size pussy that i like!" and the bitch tears off his leg as he cries "hey that's my leg!"

in the r-rated version, "pussy" is bleeped, and there is a huge box that says "censored" over the severance of the leg

the rest of the film continues with the director, lloyd kaufman, commenting in the corner

it's safe to say i only last about five minutes with this
I NEED THE X-RATED VERSION!

ok sorry too much vodka to focus on my objective with this post, which is to discuss RDJ, also known as "wayne gale!"

he apparently thought up the idea of that character, host of the sensationalistic show "american psychos" in NBK, would be australian. it makes him very funny, and very sexy, especially as he becomes a willing accomplice in mickey and mallory's murders to escape from prison in the second act of this flawless film.

apparently he was nominated for an oscar for his portrayal of charlie chaplin in the eponymous film

he also charmed my pants off as a fucking crazy druggie in a scanner darkly, which features the coolest animation of any film i've ever seen

by the way, who the fuck borrowed waking life from me? i forgot!

uh oh RDJ back on tv intermission

ooo jay baruchel

o shit justin theroux worked on tropic thunder, as co-writer/producer! that's fucking awesome. he is most famous with me (phrase courtesy of my old southern paw) for being in mulholland drive, david lynch's lesbian mindfuck, as the cuckolded director

anyway i like jay baruchel, he's such a cute jewish hippiepunk stoner.

but RDJ!

he did lots of drugs and that's obviously hot

he's sober now and working hard, which would be less hot if he was
i still need to see iron man, but i won't miss his ass in tropic thunder, that's for sure

I LOVE YOU FOREVER ROBERT DOWNEY JUNIOR! YOU ARE MY BIG GAY CRUSH OF THE WEEK!

(PIC LOVINGLY STOLEN FROM WIKIPEDIA)

heard on the colbert report:

a giant inflatable turd brought down a power line after escaping from a swiss museum!!!

MY BIG GAY CRUSH OF THE DAY

nastia liukin!

she is currently in second place in the all-around women's gymnastics final, and she's got hips and boobs under her shiny pink leotard!

she also has that undeniably ugly yet oh so attractive hipster-bump with her bangs (i mean so does sean johnson but she's one stocky little thing)

o wow these gals just won first and second place, nastia in first obviously, only gold caliber bitches for me

fuck that, platinum!

her performance in the final floor challenge was beautiful, i pity anyone

anyway she just sent out her first text message from china, apparently, clearly to me

her parents were Soviet champion gymnasts so she's the product of eugenics

we can roleplay wwII scenarios in the bedroom

these posts are just getting worse and worse aren't they

anyway, anastasia liukin, you can text me anytime, because you're MY BIG GAY CRUSH OF THE DAY!

serial killers out for the phelps!

ok, when you go to michael phelps wikipedia page, this is what happens:

for the record, the top part reads "This is the Zodiac speaking. Do you think you cowards can run from me? No you cannot for I am above mortal things."

now it's fixed but man it was creepy

i realize now it was probably some weirdo who likes serial killer shit (not like natural born killers or oz or anything, right?) but my friends and i just smoked a cross joint, which i constructed using two joints, cutting semicircles out of their middles and nestling them into each other at the center, then wrapping the center with a couple of strips of the glue on rolling papers. anyway said cross joint totally worked and totally convinced me that the zodiac killer was on wikipedia!

now we're watching gymnastics on the olympics, the little chinese girl with no chin scored wayyy too high after fucking up on the beam

and bela carollo or whoever is covering the olympics with bob costas (my friend says he used to coach the us women's team) just said "you go girlfriend" in this fabulous accent to the american girl with the hipster bump in the front of her hair

man the olympics are fuN!

MY BIG GAY CRUSH OF THE DAY

"i'll hide the afikomen in a very special spot"
chelsea handler!
i fucking love this jersey jew
she should get an hourlong show for sho.
"she was a ho. for sho."
best line from forty year old virgin
am i drunken?
yes! yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

(pic lovingly stolen from e!'s website)

BIG GAY CRUSH OF THE DAY

WANDA SYKES!
"i hate all that damn driving, it interferes with my drinking!" she just said on the standup special i'm enjoying on comedy central
i have loved her forever, basically since crank yankers. i have to find the clip.
found it!

she's fucking hilarious on curb your enthusiasm, where she seems to constantly be around when larry david awkwardly interacts with black characters
she's elaine's best friend on the new adventures of old christineand she does the funniest female standup i have ever seen
wanda sykes, please bone me.
you are my BIG GAY CRUSH OF THE DAY!

QUITE A NIGHT & nick and nora's infinite hipster douchiness

we saw quite a few previews tonight before pineapple express
watchmen was not one of them, to the great disappoinment of the fanboy/girls among us
one, however, left all of us feeling hipster-raped
"nick and nora's infinite playlist"

first off, i hate kat dennings
she's one of those actresses whose career i should be having
if you have met me you may understand, but i want to do her gothy angst thing onscreen before i get too old
and then, the music, the michael cera, the car
at the beginning of the trailer i said "is this a sequel to juno?"
and upon learning the title, one of my friends said "they may as well have called it 'our iphone 3gs'"
that was funny
it was funnier because my friend and i smoked a joint in the bathroom at the regal cinemas before the film, and when the security dude came through the theatre with his extendable red lightsaber thingy (there's a similar mechanism in my dad's basement, where i am broadcasting from if you hadn't gotten that yet) we were both terrified.
he just told some bitches to turn their phones off
and some dumb teenager brought her baby to the theatre, and you better believe it was old enough to cry, but when it stopped crying it started quoting the movie!
all the teenagers with the teen mom (there were like six) were having full blown conversations til my big latina friend was like "shut the fuck up!"
it was pretty funny, that was when the baby stopped crying
but yeah, the baby started repeating things from the movie, and the teenybopper squad started laughing! that kid is going to be like "fuck the police, i'm gonna tear that ass up" next time teenmom sees her parents and they're not going to be pleased.
then after the movie this crazy cool black lady followed us telling us about crooked cops and how that was the funniest movie she'd ever seen.
she also talked a lot about how lesbians wanted her ass and how she loved the d.
i said "don't we all"
we laughed a ton with her, and when we finally got out of the mall (it wasn't looking good there for a minute) she said we should all get together and laugh again, and who should we see, but the teenmom and her bitches! we laughed at them, and then continued home, in one of my friends terrifyingly huge truck
some teeny car stopped in the road in front of us and i was sure the truck was going to eat the little car
one of my friends screamed, it felt like we were in... a stoner action film!
see pineapple express, even funnier the second time!
anyway it was quite a night, that's for sure.

evil cheney!

o my god!
my friends and i are watching the colbert report, back from a viewing of pineapple express, which was very eventful
but i had to get down that cheney looks like danny devito as the penguin from betman returns!!!
picture to come

my big gay crush of the day

is stephen colbert! i love him so

my plan is get famous and go on his show and ask him for a kiss

i like him too much to mess up his marriage, but a kiss would just be great

he's hilarious and just such a perfect character actor

i'd love to see him in more films

check him out in strangers with candy, starring alongside the exquisitely funny amy sedaris

tonight stephen colbert looks at medical marijuana, delving

"into this seedy, stemmy underworld to find the blunt truth. they filed this report, after eating a bag of cheetos and watching princess mononoke"

it was entertaining.
supposedly maryland has legalized medicinal marijuana?
morgan! pretend to be sick!

unforgiven and mr lucky

i watched unforgiven today, which is one of my top five films ever i'd say
i have a lot to say about it but i'm helping someone dear to me and i'll talk about that and mr. lucky tomorrow

just for now, isn't that roland of gilead in that photo there? i mean i realize the character was based on clint in his westerns, but i think that image is a perfect depiction of both men

where is amy???

this is how amy looks in my heart.

it's an odd dilemma
i miss seeing my darlin amy winehouse everywhere and knowing what goes on in her day to day life
but when we see her, she's always acting nuts and really fucked up on some bad drugs
don't get me wrong, i'm all for good drugs
but amy is my favorite new artist of the last couple years, as you may or may not know, and i love how much of a hot mess she can be, but i'm afraid she's going to die
my friend emily says she has a bet going on who's going to kick the bucket first, amy or lil wayne
sad. i wrote this way earlier in the day i've got some great stories lets see if i get too stoned to share them tonight

michael phelps and be kind rewind

my friends and i watched michael phelps and the us team win the freestyle.

the last american guy came from behind at the last minute to make a record and beating the french team by .004 seconds if i'm not mistaken

it was a pretty exhilarating moment honestly, made humorous by the fact that half an hour prior there was a little blurb in the bottom of the screen saying "29 minutes to michael phelps!" with a picture

but as he exulted in yet another gold medal (he's trying to break the record with 8 at one season of Olympic games) i found myself admitting that michael phelps is kind of a babe. i'm falling under his spell. the spelps!

and

i just watched be kind rewind

it is a nice little film that completely wrecks you with the situation the kooky characters end up in and then redeems you just as completely with the power of cinema

it's really just a love letter to the movies and to truly independent filmmaking

i cried it was so charming and it really made me wish i lived in a neat little town that all banded together to make movies

the story about my friends trying to buy blunts from a woman who didn't understand "up" coming tomorrow

(image homoerotically stolen from michael's official website)

tan cock!

there is a british swimmer on the olympic team named LIAM TANCOCK.
above is a real picture of him from his official website
when i first mentioned this to the friends i'm currently hitting a blunt and watching the olympics with they didn't really get it. then i repeated it and everyone thought it was funny. BECAUSE IT IS

date update

first off, i was searching for a picture of "creepy goth dudes" and instead found this hilarious site of overheard goth statements from nyc.
now for the story:
i have only been on one real date in my life.
i did not want to go on this date
it was with a rather tragic kinda gothic fellow (not the important one, just one of many in sea of reminders why i don't like goth dudes) this past spring
we were going to see cloverfield, for god knows what reason
i decided that instead of cancelling this date oh so rudely, i would just get drunk instead
i was pretty toasted when he came to pick me up (my car was in the shop, that's pretty much why i was being nice to him) and brought a flask in the theatre
i soon stopped drinking because like an asshole i hadn't remembered that movies done on handycams make me fucking motionsick
whatever, the point is the movie was lame, i wasn't nearly high enough (i'm the gal who smokes literally seconds before walking into the theatre and he was one of those people who won't let you smoke in their car), he didn't pay, i ran off to vassar afterwards (i'm pretty sure i had him drop me off there haha) and i was just like "what was the fucking point of this?" i had to break it to him after his audition the next day that i was sooooo not into it.
i later found out that he was engaged and on a break from his fiancee. the fiancee went a little nuts over the date (there was a peck goodbye because i'm not a total asshole. yes i am.) and fixated on me and it ended up ruining their engagement. he felt the need to tell me this on the last day of class, and i asked him why. he felt he owed it to me. where do these people find me? do i post on craigslist looking for stage five clingers? you've got to be kidding me.
anyway this was the long way of saying that i don't have a date tomorrow, but i am hanging out with that kid who asked for my number. hopefully it'll be cool.
i should go back up to poughkeepsie at some point shouldn't i? nahhh i'm having too much fun in the great state of nova. i was going to go back up to see the beautiful katie today, but the constant puking kind of stopped that. then my phone died. ok this entry wasn't that great, but the point is don't drink and see cloverfield with someone lame.

(pic stolen from some old blog)

my big gay crush of the day!

rita moreno!
she is currently gracing my screen as a woman's rights activist on law and order svu, and i shrieked when i saw her
she is sister mary pete on oz, my favorite show
some stuff i just learned about her too:
"She is the first female and only Puerto Rican performer to have won an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar and a Tony."
she was the voice of carmen sandiego on the old show, which i used to think i could pwn
and she was in singin' in the rain!
some things i did know: she won her oscar for playing anita in west side story, one of the roles i covet above all others
she played the thai character of tuptim in the king and i, a movie almost entirely devoid of actual asian actors
o shit alfred molina is in this episode! it's like a big gay latino orgy on my screen and it makes me soooo happy. o and his lawyer is the douchey fiance from wedding crashers. they really go all out with their guest stars on this show. o my god angela lansbury? this is just getting silly.
another totally crazy thing just happened, a cool kid i didn't hook up with last night called my friend for my number, even though i kept quoting along with the movie when we watched knocked up. i think that's the movie i've seen most frequently since it's come out. i don't even think i have a greater ratio of times viewed since it came out with natural born killers, which i watch almost weekly. i am notorious for quoting along with movies when i get drunk, because as an actor i memorize lines stupidly easily.
anyway rita rita rita i love you so. she's 76 and i'd still hit it, she's a fucking legend and i'd hope some of her talent rubs off on me.

(images and some facts lovingly stolen from wikipedia)

p.s. i had to add that fucking alvarez from oz is also apparently on law and order svu. are you kidding me?

jesus christ! another dead one!

isaac hayes died! this blows! he was a fucking legend in the music biz, wrote the oscar-winning theme song for shaft, and, of course, was most loved by all as chef on south park. he left the show because of the "trapped in the closet" episode, most famous for tom cruise, r kelly and john travolta refusing to come out of stan's closet, and a ludicrously true section about the religious doctrine of scientology. trey parker and matt stone made the astute observation that, as south park are equal opportunity offenders, it was kind of hypocritical of hayes to take offense and leave over an episode mocking his own religion, after mormonism, catholicism, judaism, and much much more had been relentlessly lampooned. whatever, it sucks that he's dead. and he was only as old as my dad! anyway, there's only one good thing that can come of this: COMMEMORATIVE SOUTH PARK MARATHON!

(pic lovingly stolen from wikipedia)

blake and america smackdown

this shit was pretty funny, i was waiting to find it online. it's an interview about the sisterhood of the traveling pants sequel. blake lively starts talking about gossip girl, which i fucking love, and america ferrera rolls her eyes like some girl i went to middle school with. all she needs to do is snap her gum and say "giiiiirl" like the chola diva she was meant to be.

quite a story

this is some of the craziest shit i've ever heard, and michael k from dlisted can tell the story much better than i ever could, so check it out.
also, i love the fact the b.d. wong, the asian man of the cloth who survived the big bus crash at the beginning of season five of oz, is on law and order svu. he's my favorite actor who never moves his face.
(picture lovingly stolen from dlisted.com)

harold, kumar, jenny and jane

Find more videos like this on www.truveo.com.

i've been puking all day. lots of vodka occurred last night, plus i smoked all my trees. at least i had a good time. it's been an hour since the last vomit so i may be alright. in tobymedia news, i watched harold and kumar go to guantanamo bay today while orally expelling my innards. i liked it. i didn't really laugh outloud (the lack of weed might explain it) but it was always fun and engaging. the chemistry between john cho and kal penn (i have a big crushon kal penn by the way) is great, and there were plenty of fun cameos, like neil patrick harris on a lot of shrooms, rob corddry as a racist... actually i'm not quite sure what his job was, but roger bart (also known as carmen ghia from the producers play and movie, saw him in both, and ESPECIALLY as george the terrifying pharmacist on desperate housewives) as an nsa officer, and, of course, my favorite character actor, christopher meloni, as the head of a kkk gathering. there was also an entertaining dubya impersonator, and tons and tons of bud smoking. i got the chris meloni itch after watching it so i've been watching law and order svu for a couple hours, which i usually don't do, but it's sucked me in. did you know that the show is all about sex crimes? that's some fucked up shit. i also watched the end of best in show, which is a fucking fabulous film, maybe the funniest of the christopher guest/michael mckean/eugene levy/catherine o'hara/parker posey/jennifer coolidge ensemble comedies. bend and snap, jenny! but honestly my favorite bitch out of that crew is jane lynch, which is why the clip is of her lovely serenade in the 40 year old virgin.

great fucking movie of the day

COLD COMFORT FARM!
early kate beckinsale and rufus sewell
great aunt ada who "saw something nasty in the woodshed"
and robert post's child, who comes to her extended family's rural home and turns their lives upside down as charmingly as could ever be done without being cheese
what a weird and wonderful little british film, based on a hilarious book
i'm watching this shit on tv right now and i forgot how much i love it
truly one of the greats
WATCH IT SUCKER!

my big gay crush of the day

in the spirit of michael k, my favorite gossip blogger, introducing MY BIG GAY CRUSH OF THE DAY. the first (or second if you count the lovely kenley from project runway):
emma stone! the girl who kissed the fat kid in superbad, she's also in the house bunny, and the rocker, both of which i'm embarassed to say i'm looking forward to. she has a quirky look and a sexy little speech impediment and i want to make her my girlfriend.
(image stolen from imdb with printscreen!)

i do love perez. although michael k from dlisted is funnier SORRY

perez on chelsea lately being entertaining

bad john edwards!

ok i usually don't give a shit when i hear about affairs that people have. everyone has affairs (except my parents apparently. they've stuck to that story pretty convincingly). but i think it's super douchey that john edwards was boning some other chick while his wife was sick as shit with cancer, which for her is incurable. i'm a pretty big fan of elizabeth edwards, i think she's a class act and i've read several interviews with her. she campaigned hard for her husband before barack and hillary blew him out of the water, she's a humble and stong woman. so shame on you john edwards! elizabeth, find yourself some young pool boy or something and bone away!
(picture obviously stolen from perezhilton.com)

whoa. rip.

bernie mac just died! i wasn't a big fan, but he never did anything to piss me off. that sucks, i hope his family is alright. rip man.
(image stolen from wikipedia)

SHEER GENIUS

haha
i found this little widget on the stranger's group blog, slog, which i read more frequently than any other regional paper largely due to my extreme affection for dan savage's savage love

Movie Reviews

you can check the reading level of your blog, and, of course, as the owner of a 1510 on the old sat, (800 for english) and a secret genius iq, toby likes movies is exactly as it should be.

parallel film guide!

a great website of fictional movies, including such gems as
Teen Asshole Wants Fun! (1986)
Thin Mints, Thin Promises (1968)
Time Travel With Wacky Consequences (1985)
Time Travel With Way Wackier Consequences (1988)
20-Somethings Bitching and Moaning (1995)
Twins at Summer Camp? Double the Shenanigans! (1961)
and info about the actors, directors, and more
hooray for things being entertaining

pineapple express on reelcomedy on comedy central

this is worth watching. i'm trying to find it online, hopefully i'll have it for ya for tomorrow when two titans of fabulous womanhood interface. yes. my friend morgan is finally coming down to meet my friend natalie! yay.

quote of the day

"there's a lot of money to be made in these stupid teen dramas they keep putting on tv"
- peter griffin on family guy tonight

the hiphopapotamus

jemaine from flight of the conchords is going to be in a movie written by the guy who penned napolean dynomite, one of the most chronically overrated pictures ever. this video convinced me that my favorite new zealander must have inserted himself in the writing process because it is good. the movie is gentlemen broncos, he's supposed to be a fantasy author going to some nerdy convention, i like!

so watch this shit.

hmmm

i'm not sure how i feel about this but i love paul rudd and mclovin, and apparently the wet hot american summer guys wrote it. i'll wait til iwatchstuff forms his opinion and then agree.

watching watchmen shit

only because this is my favorite book ever am i interested in the specific material that dan dreiberg's owlship is made out of but maybe you're one of those people who likes to watch "how stuff works" types of shows. i wonder if the people who watch that shit date the people who watch "cleaning houses" types of shows. they can drink milk and leave their socks on and watch the most boring tv ever marathons. i might puke again. i puked like three times since last night i think i can safely say that that was the drunkest i've ever been in my home state. uh oh got to get the remote, 90210 is over and it's time for my favorite comedian, the kid from two and a half men.

dictionary joint!

so we smoked a joint made out of dictionary paper
i wouldn't recommend it
i told you i was dieting so i didn't go with the kids to wendys but man i got some good stories tonight, i will reward you with them when i finish my teleplay for the high school series i am writing oooo so carefully.
we used the page that has "toby" and lots of other shit on it

natalie went to lollapalooza

i hear it was a good time (i was too concerned with finding a fucking job to partake)
and my darling dear got this live radiohead! check it out before the man takes this shit down

LIVEBLOG! Project Runway

LIVEBLOG MOTHERFUCKERS!
this is what happens when i'm home alone in the dead zone between dinner and drunkenness.
ok that blane guy who is trying to be the christian siriano of this season, with infinitely dumber catchphrases like "girlicious", besides grating on my burnt out nerves, says he tans every other day. i can't wait to see his wrinkly thirty year old ass in four years.
ooo they're designing for the olympics opening ceremony, that's pretty fucking epic
o god stella the leather lady (o sorry, cavegirl) who i actually like looks like the freaking witch of the west today christ wash your face woman
i like how project runway just gets right into it. no bullshit little challenges like america's next top model, they are buying the fabric for their big show today already at 9:07.
ooo kenley, i love her little flower in her hair and her makeup i wish she would be my girlfriend and make cute 40s style clothes for me
k during this commercial break i'm going to shave my legs this bitch is going out on the town tonight!
blane: "i'm continuing to get paler and paler and weaker and weaker"
they're hating on kenley and my gay boyfriend daniel for laughing and having fun, stfu haters!
HEY LADIES next time you go down the rapids of the delaware river without a tube and then fall down the stairs in an attic a day later make sure you are tender with your legs when you shave them.
yo blane just said he doesn't like the beatles, and didn't get tim gunn's ref to sergeant pepper. gross.
hey i had to handle life
i liked a lot of the outfits, terri's was the best, especially surprising because i hate sportswear
but i'm too distracted by the chin combover on the olympian they have guest judging to do anything but scratch my mouth uncontrollably
it's like when some lazy douche who supposedly shaves every day decides we're going to make out on the skip day, and that making out involves more chin contact than i'd thought humanly possible
then i have to tell coworkers i skinned myself falling off a bike
i would show you a picture of the exquisite and complex spiderweb between my bike and it's holding tree, but i'm not home.
lets just say... i can't ride a bike and i don't bother to try.
by the way i like how the brideshead revisited commercial begins with the line "it's the movie intelligent filmgoers have been waiting for all year". yeah i get it there were a lot of comic book movies and i saw them all, but can i say that the only reason i am planning on seeing that tarty confection is that the nancyboy who's starring in it is also playing ozymandias in WATCHMEN, THE MOST ANTICIPATED MOVIE OF MY LIFE EVER. also emma nelson told that kid danny that what she watched on tv was "mostly brideshead revisited on dvd" and if it's good enough for a fictional character on degrassi, by god it's good enough for me.
o no jennifer the sad sack has to go home and daniel my gay boyfriend is staying mwahaha. natalie and sarah and i can't think of anywhere to go out so we may just drink at home. look forward to some random ass blog in the middle of the night.
one more note, i have, in one days time, become one of those obnoxious people who says "i've got to go home and blog about this shit" and i vow to never do it again. hold me accountable! now i'm going to watch shear genius and wait for my friends to tell me what kind of beer to get. i was kind of planning on cutting back on the highly caloric deliciousness of beer when i saw some unpleasant rolls on my stomach last night but i'm not up for a night of brown liquor, which is all we've got at chez my dad. why didn't i buy my ass some vodka at the abc? i know it's unoriginal to have a deep and abiding passion for vodka since chelsea handler, my princess of late night (letterman's my queen, dave you so funny!) but whatevs i love that russian shit! uggggh the summer weight is the worst. time to go back on weight watchers!

(pic of my bf and gf, daniel and kenley, from bravotv.com

loving rosie perez longtime

whoa! the family guy episode i'm watching (the y2k episode that i wish made more references to the stand) just made a rosie perez joke. and then became really meta! oh no i'd better run from tbs, house of payne is coming on and tyler perry, much like friends makes my brains start to trickle out my ass. o hot project runway is new! get ready for a...

no no niecy!

i just saw niecy nash from RENO 911 in a commercial for some house cleaning show, how the mighty have fallen. noooooooooooo niecy keep fighting crime for me!

WE SAW IT

and it fucking pwned.
i wish we hadn't missed the first five minutes but we had a duty to perform
in seth rogen's words from the daily show last night, you won't wish you were "less high" when you see this friendly and fun stoner comedy that turns out to have a bodycount of certainly more than 20, though it is considerably less raunchy than most of the apatovian arsenal. by the way i'm the person in the front row who laughs hysterically at every body that gets blown away, and sometimes the people i'm with feel embarassed. and scared. who cares! rogen and franco charmed the pants off my friends and i (good thing we had the row to ourself), and each supporting performer was more absurd and hilarious than the next (where has Rosie Perez been since she helped to make me weep and my break my romance movie at an all-female viewing of "Untamed Heart"?). the fun cuts from scene to scene looked like something i would have hoped to make on my macbook and made me feel better about the fact that last night seth rogen urged one and all to drop out of school to make the screenplays we write when we're stoned a reality.

now i realize i can use the extra time at film school to learn editing, and so could my darling seth (it dragged in places but i did just sit through twelve hours of the dark knight so my tolerance is high in that respect). on the scale of City Lights at 10 fat blunts and the racially-aware piece of self-indulgent shit Crash at NO FAT BLUNTS, i give pineapple express 8.5 fatties!
now i need to decide if i'm going to sit through this episode of family guy again before my exciting evening social life commences.

(i stole the photo of rosie looking sweet and sassy from white men can't jump from imdb I LOVE PRINT SCREEN)

after months of waiting for pineapple (i hear it makes pussy taste better)

natalie and i are getting baked and seeing this shit TODAY!

the trailer that made me cry

bitches and fellas, may i present
the watchmen trailer motherfuckers!!!

the dark cock

procrastination creates an intriguing film prospect.

Hi-Res Watchmen Comic-Con Posters! - ComingSoon.net

the comedian (and the rest of the minutemen) wants to know if you find him amusing

gORE-Al and his environmentally super son

al gore: pater familias of SUPERMAN?

an american in paris

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

p. hil for president
the official candidate of my friend morgan.

and other hot bitches nationwide

(for the record i am gay for obama, i just like a little cheesy paree before bed)

here comes my new media blog!

love clicking on the lovely links from my facebook?
think i'm too clever for words?
secretly OBSESSED with my opinion on entertainment related shit?
well welcome bitches because this is TOBY LIKES MOVIES, the best new blog about movies, television, and viral bullshit you'll read all week.